Unwritten....
While Natasha Bedingfield’s banger may be a little “The Hills” and a little early 2000s, there is truth to the words. Hi friends! Did you miss me? It’s been a hot minute since I last blogged, while it’s never intentional, I have been BUSY. Work woes and such, and can you believe it? Taking my baby, and first film out on the open road. Did I forget to mention I made a movie? It’s also a pretty good film if I do say so myself but then again I’m biased. However, it has also won several awards already. Mostly for my acting, and that’s not a brag on me, it’s just film festival submissions are expensive and they add up! I do maintain that I am still submitting for cinematography, ensemble cast, etc…still, I’m grateful and its also validating to get to a point in my acting career where my work isn’t in vain, to know it’s not a “pipe dream”. New York was not a mistake! But a las, where was I? Oh yes, life…
I’ll never forget being a young 20-something and thinking I had a sense of what life was, and then of course, life did what it does best, it “LIFED”, if that’s a word or even a verb? I don’t know. I’m not an English expert. I also can’t keep up with what the “kids” say nowadays. I’m old and IDGAF. I don’t have to now…I’m also not sure I had to when I was younger. I once thought with age, came wisdom and whit. I also thought that after SO much school, I’d be done, or suddenly I don’t have to keep learning anymore. Nope. Funny story, speaking of expertise, I used to think I knew a thing or two but the older I get, the more I realize I know nothing. Things change and this blue dot we live on in a massive universe keeps spinning in space. Wild! I think my Ph.D. served its purpose for that time, and it always will serve me in being able to think on a different level (thank you Mama for stressing the importance of an education). God bless other schools of thought! The ability to disagree without it leading to conflict, and even when it does you can still acknowledge the opposing side as it rings true for them, and there is no ill will, WILD! I know…
I am digressing, but all of which I write to say that here I am, getting closer to 40 and I could look at it as a potential end; OR I could look at it as a hell yeah! I made it and I still have a hell of a lot of life to live. Sure, the circumstances of my life could have taken me out for good but I have fought relentlessly to get here. Funny business this thing called life, because just when you think you’ve mastered one thing, here comes another to shake things up. I supposed I needed to remind myself to embrace it, I mean ALL of it. I saw a sign tonight that said “Trust the process”. Rather cliche, but then again is it, if it resonates with you on a different level?
I mean friends I thought that because I was getting older it meant that I had to slow down, perhaps really try to find a husband, have a kid, or buy a house (as if I could afford one in NYC). I don’t have any of those things and I’m OK! If they come, great, and my goodness would I love to raise another tiny human and might I add a quality one too; not perfect but a damn good heart. But just because I don’t have those things, I had to remember that I can still enjoy the now. Be present and just thank God I’m living. Lately, though it seems life has been “life-ing” as the kids say (note to self: ask an English expert how to spell life-ing) and I can’t seem to catch a break. I had a moment with a co-worker today, what a wonderful man I’m so blessed to work with where we were swapping life stories and I said, “You know I had to check in with myself is it my circumstances or how I’m responding to them?” I then said, “Maybe it’s a little of both but I had to have to give myself a pep-talk and say Ceballos you do not have time for this…you have a lot riding on your shoulders”. And in that moment, I also learned they too were struggling and it was such an honor just to be present and listen to their struggles and we laughed. Laughed about the ironies of life and how if we didn’t have “struggle” or some sort of “conflict” or a derivative of those things, we wouldn’t have spice or “taste” in life. How boring!
I also said to them, “You are my hero, you keep going and with a smile on your face despite all that you have going on”, he said thank you and the best thing to do is to have faith! I hope I never stray too much from having faith during the most challenging of times, or may I never lose sight of the fact that my best days are still in front of me. I endeavor to keep love in my heart, I do! I also hope that as I get older I don’t get stuck on a fixed idea of how I think my life should go…maybe that’s just it, perhaps we need to focus more on actually having a life and enjoying it no matter how it looks. Hold space for the difficult times and be gentle with ourselves until we get to happier, sunnier times.
I don’t know how we got to this notion of having to have it all figured out in T-minus 30 seconds. Some of the precedents we model our lives after are a bit unrealistic when we should model our lives on what works for us, not society or an entity. All I know is, that whatever comes, I am so ready for it! So far I have survived ALL of the days I thought would take me out, that’s a 100% success rate! Whether you’re a data person or not, it’s hard to argue with numbers, but also, I can’t argue with how I feel in this moment and that is I’m pretty damn proud of myself. That little Sarita still inside of me still f-ing relentless in her pursuits, and never-ending quest for knowledge. Goodness, I don’t know how I got to be this driven. I could blame my parents but it’s not their fault. I just simply cannot ignore the sound of my heart telling me to stay true to who I am, to never stop fighting to make this world a better place and most of all I just can’t stop hoping for the best. I love NYC but it is also very easy to get disconnected from yourself and if you let it, the city will keep trying to crush you. Good thing, I fight back! As I reflect on the now and how far I have come, I know I need to get better at trusting God/the universe and I’m working on it. I’m ok with not being a finished product, and I don’t need to be, nor am I supposed to be. The future is STILL unwritten!
Oh and about my film, I could elaborate, but then that spoils it, check it out at the next screening!
