One Step at a Time
Denying something is almost worse than finding strength & courage to face it and press through. Y’all I realized that my previous blog entries were perhaps ignoring the moment at hand & that was certainly NOT my intent, I’m all about the truth and transparency. I call it as I see it, my intent is never to offend, and perhaps this is just one interpretation or filter if you will in which to view life and our current state of the world. And the truth is, this is some b.s. in 2020! Lol. It feels good to say that, doesn’t it? Did you laugh? I hope so. Whatever you’re feeling, you have to let it out. It’s perfectly human to be angry, confused, upset, and failing to address these areas or why we’re feeling a certain way is just as important. To deny it is perhaps worse than pretending our problems don’t exist. In owning my authenticity I too have learned to never minimize anything because it’s how I feel, and it’s valid. I used to get caught up in folks that just weren’t for me, that always tried to silence me or called me “dramatic” for feeling as I did. It’s funny when some of us are confronted with the truth or even something or someone that poses a threat we deem it easier to condemn and criticize versus allowing ourselves to be open to why we feel that way. Additionally, sometimes the fear of the unknown also creates fear and for many, it’s easier to run than face it. Humans are interesting creatures, aren’t we?
My friends, if there’s anything that I’ve learned in my nearly 35, err I mean 30 years of life & holding, it’s that to deny our truth no matter what it looks like or how ugly it may feel to us and addressing our scars & seeking to understand the beauty of that moment or what we can gather from it, is highly detrimental to our well being too. I remember when I lost my dad, and again I use this lesson primarily because it’s one that’s impacted me the most and continues to shape my life; I ran. I thought if I didn’t acknowledge it, it didn’t exist. I thought that one day I would wake up and my dad would come down the hall in his wheelchair to wake me up for school like he always did. Wow talking about it, I’m filled with tears because I never knew I would miss it so much. There’s still a part of me inside that little girl that still wishes her father would come back to life sometimes. I catch myself after I’ve had a dream about him in precious moments wherein my subconscious he’s still alive and we get to hang out & in this time he’s alive and well. Eventually, my grief caught up with me and lead me down some dark paths such as depression and suicide If I’m being honest, this is perhaps why anxiety creeps up because I’ve had to be strong for so long so when something doesn’t make sense or I don’t know how to respond I panic. Or I start entertaining scenarios in my head to help me cope with the unknown. Did I just have a breakthrough?
I’ve learned that while in some instances change is easy for me, in others it’s not, and it’s OK! I am learning to lean into the discomfort and be open to what’s its trying to teach me. 2020 is a year of change, this we can be certain of or at least I feel certain of. Again to each their own, there are no wrong answers here. Just as in life there’s no such thing as a wrong choice, merely better choices. The same is applicable in acting, our objective didn’t work, ok. Take two!
I know I’ve alluded or stated this in other entries but it still rings true for me anyway, maybe it does for you but, I feel like I’m more appreciative of my “scars” or things that I thought would take me out or defeat me because they’ve given me so much more in return. Wouldn’t it be great if we got handed a trophy for everything we’ve overcome? But that’s what scars are for, they remind us of where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. Getting the ‘rona was not ideal but I have no doubt something potentially great will come out of this. I’ve learned also that I took so many things for granted and how much going to the movies, or a museum was a luxury. I may not need those things to get by in life but they certainly were opportunities that made me happy and nourished my soul and the creative side of my personality. The phone call has made a comeback and I couldn’t be more grateful for video conferencing, because I can “see” people that I care about. Relationships and love haven’t been canceled this year and this is something I hold onto.
Quarantine won’t last forever, but one day we will look back and say what did we get out of this? What did we learn? The answer of course won’t happen overnight, and although we’re waiting in the middle of the storm for it to pass, the question then becomes, how are we waiting? I have found that counting my blessings and as I’ve previously mentioned in other blogs, that being grateful that I’m still alive has made the difference for me. It could have been worse. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to recover relatively quickly, I don’t know that I’m entirely recovered, but I’m thankful that every day gets better and better. I think to myself, I cannot afford to waste this downtime I have been given. I’m still alive so that means, my purpose has yet to be fulfilled, more importantly, I have goals I am working on and that alone helps me get through because once this time is over, and it will end, I can hit the ground RUNNING!
My thoughts and prayers are with grieving families, as they are with those that are having a hard time with this. I write to be encouraging and offer hope. I can’t speak for the world or anyone else but for me, I feel, we’re in this together and we do better, learn better from each other regardless of labels, color, gender, or sexual orientation.
There is always a season of obscurity before we fulfill our purpose. I know it’s hard to see or know if anything good will come from all of this, however, the answer is yes. Maybe not right now but it is still forthcoming! How reassuring is that? Kick and scream, cry & vent, if you have to, but don’t stay there. Get back up and go again! We WILL get through this. Let’s not forget our friend the chicken, why did he/she/they cross the road? To get to the other side! I wish they would have told us what his/her/their journey was like if chickens could talk I’d ask, how did you get to the other side? My guess, one step at a time. A silly metaphor I know but a simple one nonetheless. Let’s be thankful that we’re not where we started, we have a long road ahead to cross, but we WILL cross it! Stay the course and stay strong y’all and also remember that it takes real strength to admit what you’re feeling, there is so much power and freedom in owning your truth!
Love and light. xo
