Scars

As I wind down after a productive day, I began to think about grace. I was thinking back to earlier when I helped a friend rehearse when her character is trying to overcome depression. I shared with my journey through the darkness & I shared that it took me years before I finally forgave myself & realized I was hurting. Years to admit that I was never intentionally trying to inflict harm on people. I thought about those that were stronger than me at the time. I thought about Mama and her relentless love, I thought about so many others that loved me through those turbulent times for me. I think about how my oldest brother talked me out of suicide. I will always be grateful to him for saving my life in more ways than one. I didn’t ask to lose my dad, no one ever chooses death, nor do they wish it on anyone. Wait, allow me to clarify, evil does exist but allow me to state that I wouldn’t wish it or anything else on my worst enemy. I recall learning to forgive myself for hoarding my anger, my grief. I was afraid to let my dad go. I thought that somehow if I held onto him and the loss of him, I was somehow keeping him close. I was scared that I would forget the memories, the sound of his loud laugh. How he always smelled of good cologne. Or when I was scared I could crawl into his lap and he would just hold me or let me cry on his shoulder. Turns out I was only hurting myself by holding on. I closed myself off because I was afraid that if I let someone in, they would soon leave me, the way I felt “left” at nine. I later learned that if I stay closed off, I miss out on the really good ones. The ones that would love me unconditionally, the ones that love me with my scars and all. The truth is, as Bob Marley once said, “Truth is everybody is gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” I’ve since learned it’s my scars that give me depth. It’s my scars that make me interesting and gave me my BIGGEST life lessons, and somehow made me a better person. Growth will always hurt, but I’ve learned that I’d rather experience it than to stay the same. To stay the same would be detrimental to our true purpose. Besides, what lies ahead is more often than not, ALWAYS better than what’s behind us. Perhaps life’s greatest lesson is to show us that learning never stops. Every day provides us with opportunities to learn something new. A chance to come up higher, a chance to try again. How GREAT is that? I’m learning to be grateful for “scars” they remind us of where we’ve been but can also encourage us to press forward into the unknown. I used to think I’d prefer a map or perhaps a peek at God’s/the universe’s plan for me, BUT I also really love the mystery in not knowing what COULD happen. Literally ANYTHING is possible at this moment in time. This year has been so outrageous and radical, but also, what if this IS the year that is growing us up, shaping us, molding us and MAYBE we’re actually on track. This could also be a temporary stall that will somehow propel us forward. Maybe this set back happened on purpose? I don’t have all the answers and I don’t pretend to but if “scars” reminds us that we made it through that thing we never thought we’d get over or move past, THEN that must mean we can get through this too.

It’s time we own who we are & be comfortable in that. If someone can’t handle our shine, that’s on them. Life is short, 2020 is well reminding us of that. Just because life is a little restricted right now, there is still plenty to be grateful for. It’s wild to think in just a little over a month I will be celebrating another trip around the sun. CRAZY! Literally a month ago, I was questioning if it was the end for me, I had no strength, no appetite, and every other symptom under the ‘Rona umbrella. I also remember thinking how much I wanted to actually live. I thought, “God but there is so much work for me to do, I’m not done yet!” I say this because as I previously stated, there were times in my life where I wondered if life is really worth living. You know what? It ABSOLUTELY is worth living. I AM getting better every single day. My lungs are healing, actually, they were never really affected thank God but my endurance for working out is getting better & I am coming out stronger than before. No matter what you’re going through, you will too. Enjoy the now, no matter what it looks like. Be proud of your “scars” they made you who you are. Eventually, we’ll all get to where we’re going but as for me, I can’t wait for tomorrow & play the game of life ALL over again. 2020 made me a COVID survivor, I wouldn’t want to go through it again, however, as I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, this “scar” has made me even more grateful to be alive! Besides, what if 2020’s delays were actually protecting us from something potentially worse. I remember reading where Mark Wahlberg was supposed to board one of those flights that crashed either into the twin towers or the Pentagon but he missed his flight. Not that I want to relive that terrible tragedy in our nation’s history BUT, all of these “scars” have all been blessings in disguise, they’ve all been worth the pain. Sometimes the delays, or God’s or the universe’s unanswered prayers are there for our own good. There is some pain that is unforeseen but God/life will usually turn it around for our good. Alternatively, certain “growing pains” are necessary, which are all designed to get us to where we’re going. I used to think I needed to know the destination, especially since society is always buzzing with, “what are you doing with your life & how are you going to get there?” I realize now, I never want to fully “arrive” which would mean the journey is over, no more fun left to be had.

I can’t wait to get busy living, no matter what that looks like. I hope that you will too, NO one has it figured out. I can say this as a social scientist, in that we’re all just trying to solve the problems of the world one study at a time, and each time the results get better, more accurate, and eventually leads to something great. The same goes for life, we fail, we fail again, and then we learn how to fail better and then we never stop improving, or at least we shouldn’t. In a way our soul dies when we stop nurturing or watering it, let’s remember to yes, actually drink water, but also self-care. We’re all fighting a battle no one knows anything about, thus, we must always be kind. Whenever we take a picture, or a sculptor makes an artifact or a painter paints a portrait or a landscape, each of which over time generates scars or marks from years of wear and tear we still call it art. We ARE beautiful pieces of art, slightly cracked but precious so valuable all the same. Extend grace to yourself and most of all, to others too. You are so worthy of all the love in the world!