When Healing Feels Like Breaking
Why is it that live is filled with ironic moments? I got to thinking tonight that if I had only read my horoscope at the beginning of 2020 how much more life would have made sense now that it’s August and I’m about turn another year older. I have been anxious lately and I have no idea why. I like to think that I have learned not to be however, I am still human. Earlier this week I did pray to God for clarity but it seems the more I prayed the more confused I became, isn’t that ironic, don’t ya think? A little too ironic…
Yeah I really do think…maybe it is like Alanis once wrote, “it’s like rain on your wedding day.” So there I am reading my horoscope when it turns out that 2020 for me is a year of much more healing. I thought to myself, bingo! You know those moments in a cartoon where the light bulb pops on for the character? That was the moment for me. I also thought to myself, I thought I was done last year. 2019 wasn’t the best but I would gladly take it again over this year lol. I know healing is a process but this is where my human self likes to think I’m done, when I know better. And I’m usually grateful for the evolution of life. Sometimes going through the healing means that it requires you to hurt more than the thing that originally hurt you. The more I have felt like breaking this year, especially after getting through the ‘Rona, the more I realized I HAD TO let a lot of shit go. The more things that have fallen apart, I have to believe are making way for better.
Isn’t it funny how God/the universe works like that sometimes? I can recall in my 20s how I would hold grudges that I got to the point where I realized I was only hurting myself. I don’t know that I was ever holding a “grudge” per se but more of, still allowing the wound to hurt. Then again, in many ways, grieving/healing are similar in that no one can tell you how to heal or put a time limit on it. It seems I’ve spent my whole life in mourning and it’s exhausting at times. I also remember that I have a choice on whether or not I allow my feelings to control me. Sometimes I find I’m still finding my balance with that.
Ironically enough, I have grown more grateful for all this downtime. I’ve had more time to dig deep with my craft as it relates to acting, I’ve come to appreciate life in a new way and I find the load that I carry is becoming less and less. I was mentioning to my therapist a while back that I thought I was reverting to back to my childhood. She asked me why? I said, because, the older I get the more I laugh. This is probably a good thing, yet, when I look back I think, what was I doing when I was younger? Obviously, I was doing something wrong, lol. Then again, there’s no such thing as wrong is there? The philosopher in me would argue yes there is according to Kant and so many other moral perspectives I subscribe to, BUT a consequentialist would argue that you can only make the best or “right” decision for those particular set of circumstances.
How’s this for irony, “My Way” was my dad’s favorite song & every time I hear it I always like to think he’s with me. It also doesn’t matter which language I hear it in. So here I am typing when “Mi Manera” by the Gipsy Kings comes on & at first, I smiled and the next thing I know I started crying. I imagined he was here and I was just crying on his shoulder. Crying because the rest of 2020 still remains unknown and I think I needed to cry to be broken again. The more broken you are, the more light gets in. And so it goes, the only thing I can do is trust that I’m where I’m meant to be. I have been seeing 11:11 a lot lately. Oh the irony…how that song came on right when I needed it to. As the tears fell, I allowed myself to feel it. In that moment, I realized how brave I have become. It used to be I’d run from pain but it inevitably caught up to me & while the battles I face aren’t always ideal I do always come out better on the other side. Tonight as I lay me down for bed, I will sleep a little lighter, and I can’t wait for tomorrow!
Isn’t it ironic…that which feels like breaking is usually part of healing and putting better pieces back together. One thing that’s for sure I make no apologies for me, I never have. I never will, I refuse to dim my light because someone can’t handle my shine. It’s taken me a long time to get here and I’m proud of that. The moments of doubt, the tears, the setbacks, the moments where I felt like giving up & hope comes bursting through. Ahhh I can’t wait to see what lies ahead, going to be great, and I’m this much more prepared for it!
