Your Life Follows Your Thoughts

As I reflect on all that has conspired over the nearly 35 years of my life, I’ve noticed a trend. For all the things that I have accomplished, it all began with the thought and belief that I could do it. Conversely, all the things I have yet to do I am working on finding the strength to do them. Sometimes, on my extra “yes I’m vibing with God’s plan/the universe” I just do. I love those days. The truth is, it’s up to me to create more days like that. There are also days where I feel “off” but the days that are within my control I can do something about them. Even the things that I have no control over, I can change how I feel about them.

It’s no secret that our life will follow the direction of our thoughts. I’m working to not beat myself up over things I chose to linger on, I knew I would eventually get to where I was going. For instance, in my previous blogs, I talked about how I held onto the pain of losing my dad for so long because I was afraid that if I let go I would forget him. It wasn’t until he came to me in a dream that I finally did let go. I remember it well, we were out shopping at a Barnes & Noble of all places, we had just got there, when he said, “I just came to tell you to let go, watch out for your mother, take care of her and I’m proud of you.” It was the most wonderful feeling. Sometimes it still haunts me, in the best way possible. In those moments where I still find my grief creeping up on me, I say hello, acknowledge it, cry if I need to and then I move on.

When I think about acting and all the things that held me back when I was younger most of that had to do with how I saw myself. I used to think I was robbed of my childhood. And I was, but also God/the universe more than made up for it. Nothing will ever take the place of him, BUT again it wasn’t until my late 20’s my early 30’s when it occurred to me that I had a choice in my life. For so long, it felt as life was always telling me do this, do that; and I listened, versus following my heart. You’re Latina, so go get an education so no one can take that away from you or walk all over you. While I’m grateful for the lesson, I sometimes find that I wish I had just gone for the acting thing & not wasted time. Then again I needed time to heal. Forgive, learn to love me, and value myself. I think about the men in my past, how foolish I was to allow them to hurt me so deeply but I also learned from those mistakes. It’s interesting that I’m somehow yet again supposed to fulfill someone else’s expectations for my life. Apparently, I’m supposed to be married by now with three children, that’s what Latinas do right? We’re baby-making factories. I would never take away from women that are mothers, I hope I’m blessed with the gift of a child. The point is, on who’s timeline am I supposed to be living?

Isn’t it funny the things we think we know when we’re younger, and how much our interpretation of life changes as we get older and wiser? If my future is up to me and as I mentioned earlier my life will follow the direction of my thoughts, it’s imperative NOW more than ever given the state of our world that I get busy living. Living as I’ve never lived before, whatever that looks like. I’m still learning to be flexible about how I get to or achieve my goals. It doesn’t matter how I get there or when I get there or what the picture I had in mind looks like anymore as long as I keep pressing forward.

It’s also interesting that when I was a kid, I was always ahead of my time, I could see things before they happened and I had so much wisdom regarding life. Who heals themselves from grief and a loss so deep? Me. I made writing my therapy. I wasn’t perfect at it, but still, when I was lost I’d take a pen to the blank pages of my journal and write. It was between me, myself and I, ok and God. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, I just wanted to keep on living. Had I allowed myself to mourn then maybe life would have been different. None of it no longer matters, just the here and now.

Here I sit yet again, blogging to encourage you, you whoever you are, wherever you are to keep going. Keep pressing forward, keep your thoughts going in the right direction. No one said that life would be easy, they only promised it would be worth it. If I can give my younger self advice and I hope this is applicable to you too, it’s that the darkness is always worth it. When you can look back and see how far you’ve come it feels good to know how strong you ACTUALLY are. You are responsible for you and to you. No negative self-talk, no being against yourself. That’s channeling the wrong energy throughout your body. And when you block energy from flowing through you and around you, that actually stops your goals/dreams from coming to pass.

How do you bounce back from being triggered or from dilemmas? Do you know that things come up to make us stronger? If someone would have told me that when I was younger I probably would have said, you’re full of shit. However, it is the truth. I’m not saying to minimize what you’re feeling, you must absolutely feel what you feel because stifling it leads to anger or other negative emotions which adds to the already existing roadblock. Ask yourself, what is this here to teach me? What can I learn from this? I’m being presented with an opportunity to come up higher. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, TRUST me. I laugh when I think about all the times where I’ve been like, “why God why?” So frustrated that I’ve wanted to throw in the towel more times than I can count, BUT then I remember, Ceballos you’ve been through tough times before, you CAN do this too. Beautiful woman/man/person you CAN do hard things. I know it’s hard to see it, but honestly the universe/God wouldn’t be giving you challenges if it/he didn’t want to see you succeed or grow.

Wherever you’re at, trust that better is coming. Trust that it won’t always feel like this or be like this. Feel your feelings, whatever that may look like for you, but please don’t stay there too long. The blues are counterproductive to your health and well being. Don’t be shy or afraid to ask for help. That’s actually a HUGE sign of strength to ask for help. Do you know how long it took my happy ass to get back into therapy? YEARS. I was finally tired of running, I was tired of feeling more “off'“ than “on” and I desired to truly be happy in every definition of the word. It also took me leaving my comfort zone too. I don’t know that New York was meant for me to come here and heal but it’s been the most life-changing experience for the better.

Speaking of which, I remember being 22 fresh out of undergrad when I came to D.C. for a week. My friend Ashlee and I at the time came to the city for A DAY. Just one, less than 12 hours, and I remember just walking around Times Square and Midtown, all the way up to Radio City Music Hall when I said to myself silently, I’m going to live here one day. I remember coming home and telling my Mom, “Mom I love New York, I can’t wait to live there one day, there is something there for me that just inspires me so much.” Naturally, she said, “you’re crazy, it’s expensive. You need to focus on your career.” So I did, but little did I know that the city would find me again. It was early fall of 2017 I had just finished my Ph.D. I came with a colleague from work and spent a whole week here. I didn’t know what to expect, I was certain that I was destined to be in L.A. its where all the actors go for TV/film. But then again, I’ve never been like anyone else. I remember crying the moment I left the city as I flew back home to Houston. My heart was devastated that I was leaving. I told myself, I’d be back one day & that I’d be back to stay. It was all I thought about, I woke up I thought about New York, I came home, I thought about the city. I wondered how it was, did it miss me too? I remember sitting in my office frustrated with grading papers, and just tired of the status quo. My dreams and my desire to act was bigger than me. I still don’t understand it, I have no clue where my destiny will lead me I just know it’s big and I have to nurture that muse/fire that comes from within. What did I do? I researched acting programs and I found Stella Adler. I remembered reading her book & it was the “hard truth” about acting. Her words yelled at me from off the page but it was the fire I needed lit under my ass to come here. So I did. I came with two suitcases and a back pack and nothing else. In my heart of hearts, I didn’t know that I would stay here. I remember getting on the plane and I was open. Somewhere deep inside I knew I was staying for a while, but I didn’t force it. I was open. If I left ok fine, but I knew that I left I would regret it for the rest of my life.

The rest is history…I remain unwed, no house, and I’m building my savings back up. Life is not at all how I pictured it. Sometimes I still want that tenure track job and perhaps it will find me, maybe it won’t, maybe there’s something BETTER in store for me (and there probably is), because I deserve the fucking best life has to offer, and SO DO YOU!!! The truth is, the unknown has been much better than I thought. I love Texas, I always will but I’m also incredibly happy to be living my true authentic self. Unfiltered, unapologetically myself. No walking eggshells because I’m afraid someone can’t handle my brutal honesty. I am who I am, I don’t have a malicious bone in my body. Speaking of which why do humans do that? Who has that kind of time to be manipulative and deceptive? Grow the fuck up people! I digress…but I hope this is resonating with you. We mustn’t be so caught up in this “picture” of how we think life should (keyword) go, versus embracing where we’re at. I’m still learning to let that go too, but you know what? I am so happy! Happy to be alive. Happy to be sitting in a chair in my room with a view of the GW Bridge right outside my window, living my dreams out.

I’m not sure who this is for, but you can do this! You didn’t come this far, to only come this far. This is NOT how your story ends. And if I’m keeping it real (and I promise that I always will), your story ends in victory. How do I know? Look at how far you’ve come so far! We can be thankful for 2020, exposing all of our areas of opportunity. We GET to improve! We are still making it one day at a time. By the way, we’re only supposed to live for today and take each day and moment as it comes. Human beings were never meant to run 24/7, we are not machines. Yes, there’s a time for grinding, I’m all for that, but also, there’s a time for resting. I’m still learning how to rest myself. I’m also still learning that I AM enough and whatever I do or don’t do in a day, it’s enough. Who are we really trying to please anyway? Although it is important to check-in and see how things are going, a life I find is just not meant to be that serious. Or at least for me, I don’t want to live that seriously again.

This was a long one, it turns out I can never just half ass things lol. I always give it my full ass, and I embrace my thoroughness but I hope this was helpful. I hope this encourages you to think differently. It will take time to break old habits and re-train your mind to go in the direction you want it to. I get it, I’m currently reading “Becoming Supernatural”, which is all about breaking old habits and manifesting your dreams. So far, I believed I’d be COVID negative and I was, FINALLY. It took like three tests before getting back to “normal” or at least feeling healthy again. I believed a certain problem would work in my favor and it did! I’ve also been spending more time with God and taking time to meditate and it’s been SO helpful. I’m a pretty chill person normally (not perfect) but now I’m even more calm and yes more happy. I recommend this book!

All it takes is one positive thought to shape your day, every day. Eventually the several days will turn into weeks, weeks will turn into months and months will turn into years, I can’t wait to see what will happen for you! You are NOT your past, or even your mistakes, you’re so MUCH MORE than that!