Systems & Re-Wiring
As I endeavor to become a better human, I have spent the last four almost five years in therapy healing old wounds from childhood and learning to undo old patterns, upgrading my “software” if you will internally. It turns out, surprise, surprise that it’s a daily thing. Who knew? Actually, a lot of people might know and I’m sure none of what I’m writing is novel to psychologists or neuroscientists.
Just when I thought I had been better about making sure it doesn’t manifest in unhealthy ways or that I’m not projecting onto other people, here comes life to save the day, or wreck the day (if you’re a glass half full or glass half empty).
I would love it if life came with a magical wand that would just expedite the process. It turns out the process is where the healing actually takes place. Now, this part I have known, it was everything else I need to improve on, like making it a consistent, daily thing. It’s also about making sure I’m speaking just as kind to myself as I would to a friend or a loved one.
You reach the age where you can no longer blame mom and dad or society for your behavior, past trauma, or what did or didn’t work out. I remember growing up and I never wanted to be defined by my grief & to this day I choose not to be defined by it but rather I am human and I have very real human feelings but as I re-wire I’m learning to ride the emotional rollercoaster and not allow everything to take precedence in my life. I’m usually pretty good about staying optimistic and upbeat, where did I go wrong?
Perhaps I did allow the wrong folks into my life, maybe it was the fact that at the beginning of this year I experienced a lot of heavy burdens that triggered old wounds, who the heck knows…and why am I even sharing? Because we’re all going through it, or at least I’d like to believe that we’re all trying to just make it through and perhaps if we’re lucky enough excel at this game of life. I started reading, “Atomic Habits” by James Clear, and just a few pages in I was hooked! I also thought he was right! Change does not happen overnight. It happens by small gradual or incremental changes at a time, and it’s those little things that up to big results.
They preach it ALL the time in the business of acting, that whole what is “one thing you can change today or do toward your goal?” Something about today though, it hit differently. I also recently read “Radical Love” by Zachary Levi where he talks about his mental health journey and getting back to radically accepting and loving himself; he also suggests that maybe we just need to all do better about loving ourselves which would then in turn have a ripple effect in our lives, relationships, and workplaces, and lead to healthier relationships. But it is in the daily self-care, daily self-love. However, the problem occurs when/if you were raised like me you were raised to put others before you and constantly serve. I’m all for that, but it also lead me to burnout. So here I am, learning to love and put myself first, again. Going back to revisiting my wiring or habits that weren’t serving me. Theoretically, if we are in alignment with ourselves, God/the Universe the rest eventually works itself out provided we’re doing the work right? Goals are great, they give us vision but focusing on the daily habits or practices and paying attention to how we’re wired as well as understanding why feelings come up (which are usually a sign that something is off). Ahh, the beauty of course correction which gives the ability to change or pivot at any moment & try a different approach to get to where we’re going.
I am learning to extend grace to myself during setbacks and reminding myself that we’re thinking long-term change, not temporary wins or gains. It makes sense that when we don’t get the results we want right away we tend to give up or revert back to old patterns. Change takes time & more importantly it takes work. The picture of an Iceberg comes to mind, the one I’m sure you’ve probably seen floating around Facebook or other social media platforms that shows the tip of the Iceberg meanwhile there are deep roots underneath, deep roots of work, time, and investment.
I have learned above all else it’s about patience. Patience with the process and yourself. And even patience with healing. In the words of Jacob Riis, “When nothing seems to help I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at a rock, perhaps a hundred without so much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow, it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.”
Am I perfect? HA. Absolutely not, but I can be happy I caught myself before getting too far gone, which I believe is a sign of growth! Maybe that is the whole point, to keep growing to keep going. Stay open and focus on what we can control and trust God/the universe to handle the rest. I must confess I am proud of the person I am becoming, and I don’t know that I care to arrive, just keeping enjoying, living, learning and most of all loving.
As always may my journey help you on yours!
Con amor,
Dr. Ceballos
