Full Circle
Here I sit wondering how it’s November and I neglected this blog yet again…yet I must pride myself on all the growth I have done. This year started with heartbreak and it seemed like it just kept coming, one storm after the other, that I got to the point where I was like how much more God? Yet I couldn’t bring myself to be entirely angry or invite more heaviness into my life. Instead, I sat with those emotions and felt my way out perhaps for the first time in my life. I learned that feeling leads to healing and you also can’t expedite the process either no matter how hard you try or suppress your emotions, they will always come back around, “hey remember me? Your unresolved trauma, or your unresolved grief? You thought you got rid of me by just pretending I don’t exist?” It’s about acknowledgement, sitting with it and then moving on & not allowing things however heavy they maybe to consume.
A lot of beautiful things also happened this year as well, I found the job I had been searching for what seemed like forever post doctoral program, FINALLY. I published again, went to conference and presented my team’s research with my colleague and dear friend. It seems as though the 2nd half of this year really took off for me, and maybe that was the whole point of the heaviness? I purposely forced myself out of the dull drums of life and went and saw, conquered and experienced! I’m blessed that I can, especially in this quasi post-pandemic world we’re now living in. I thank God everyday I survived the original strain of Covid-19 pre-vaccine, when the world was still in utter health chaos. Speaking of chaos, I got to thinking that life will never get easy, we just grow stronger and I’m learning that in of itself is a privilege! I wrote my first screenplay, albeit not the best, but the point is I’m doing it AND producing it through my own production company (I’m sometimes still in disbelief that I started my own company). It’s true what “they” say you just start by doing, don’t worry about the details, and just allow room for growth.
As this year comes to a close, I have learned that everything always comes full circle. You may never know why things end or why certain events happen the way that they do but I do know they all serve a purpose under heaven or under the universe. I learned that it’s ok to cry like really cry, perhaps even ugly cry (and let’s be honest you’re not a New Yorker unless you’ve cried on the subway, which I have), that’s one way to feel and release. It is also always about perspective or mindset, which can be a little hard to find at times. Lack there of, doesn’t necessarily mean that all is lost but I do also believe that hindsight is 20/20 which is when perspective comes full circle. Speaking of which, I have been reading a book called “Mindset” by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. who shares that you really only operate in two mindsets: fixed or growth. Fixed mindset refers to those who don’t rebound well from failure or refuse to take responsibility for their actions and sort of stay stuck in life. Or those in the fixed mindset attribute their failure to external forces and rely simply on talent or looks. The example Dr. Dweck uses is John McEnroe. Whereas, those with a growth mindset look at failure as a teaching moment. The growth mindset individuals also may not be the most talented, or the smartest in the room but they do work harder than most, folks such as the great Michael Jordan who once wasn’t the basketball player we all know him to be but worked his way to get there.
Maybe that’s the key? Keep embracing life no matter what it looks like. That is the one constant in life, change, and whether we like it or not it happens and we evolve anyway. Thank God! I’m proud of who I am today, I have fought like hell, and battled mental challenges I will soon share with the world so that others can also feel seen and heard, and at this moment I recognize I did the best. I’m understanding more that my “best” varies daily. I’m learning to really extend grace to myself. Did I get it “right”, ha! No, but I have certainly learned from my mistakes and enjoyed myself along the way, which I have written about before. There was something about this year, I loved & lost deeply. I cried till I couldn’t cry anymore and I had belly-aching laughs, I felt so high. I kept going on days where I didn’t know how I was going to make it or somehow tapped into strength I didn’t know I had. Life’s duality, what can I say, the pain teaches us to appreciate the beauty and we can’t necessarily have one without the other.
I press forward knowing and trusting that I have all that I need to get to where and who I want to be because it all resides within me, including managing this new film company I just started. I have no clue what I got myself into but I also can’t wait to see where the journey takes me. That is also the thing that both life and New York have taught me, to feel the fear and do it anyway. While ego would have me stay closed off and play it safe that’s not how living is done. That’s also not how learning is done, besides how boring would things be if we always got it right? In the words of Robert Frost as he once summed up about life, “it goes on.”
With Thanksgiving on the horizon, I’m grateful for family, both biological and of choice. Above all, in spite of the problems here at home, I still have a roof over my head and war is not being fought on U.S. soil. I’m thankful for the clean air in my lungs, clean water, and food in my tummy. I am holding space and thinking of the folks in Ukraine as well as Iran. No matter how much I want to save the world, I also recognize that change begins with me and I strive to be better than who I’ve been and always keep love in my heart. More importantly, may I always remind myself that when life gets overwhelming and challenging, all will come full circle and I must keep pressing forward, its the only way to survive. One foot in front of the other. Besides progress no matter how slow is still progress.
