Sit with the Discomfort

I decided that it was time I stop that “woe is me” mentality that it’s very easy for me to get into I’ve noticed when life isn’t going my way. AND if there’s one thing 2020 has taught me it’s that very rarely will life ever go the way that we want it to. God/the universe is in control, not us. I am vowing to better about listening to him/it. Embracing the stillness, and embracing the moments of discomfort. Yes, I’m 35 and well aware of my areas of opportunity. The places where I need to come up higher, and yes I’m older but that doesn’t make me perfect. I’m still human, I’m still a great work in progress and I’m still healing. I can applaud my work, I can applaud my ability to confront the pain, deal with it so it no longer holds me back anymore. It’s taken me what feels like forever to get here, but I made it. No more wasting time, no more just going through life, it’s time to live a life full out, whatever that looks like and do the things, be with the people that make us happy!

You see friends, for so long I allowed my grief to take up too much room in my life and not necessarily in ways in which I thought it would. I’ve also always been the type that doesn’t like to play the victim or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I mean life happens, it’s what we do with it and the choices we make and how we choose to deal with certain situations that determine where we go or who we’ll become. Naturally, though I seemed to always want the love I lacked from a parent in other things. Wow, this is the first time I’ve spoken or ever uttered these words out loud. It feels damn good and I really don’t have anything to hide. The more self-love and self-care I can give myself that I freely gave away that I never really got back which is ok, but the less reliant or dependent I became on outside things/people. SO grateful for my 30s for giving me these and so many other magical gems in life. Nonetheless, I’ve always been the type of person, who’s the first to admit when I’m wrong. Which like 95% of the time I am. LOL. Even as a Ph.D., research is always a chance to refine problems that society/humans go through and it’s OK! It means that each time there’s a mistake it’s also a moment that brings us closer towards understanding, it’s one more step towards uncovering our truth or one step closer towards where we want to go or who we want to become in life. I wish life was as simple as waving a wand or having a map, or in show business such a thing as an “overnight success”. May we learn to love the valleys just as much as the mountain tops.

Over the years, I had to get comfortable with me and that was a scary thought. I’m SO beyond grateful for my Ph.D. program, I’m grateful for the obstacles, and most of all I’m grateful for my actor’s journey. None of which were by any means easy and my life as an actor never will be but on the flip side of all this, I’m SO much better because of it, yes I’m even better BECAUSE I lost my dad. I will always love him and I will always miss him and wish he were still here, but he lives in my heart. The pictures I have, the stories mom or my family share with me. I do wish I could still hear his loud laugh though, that laugh could fill the room. Sometimes I think when I laugh, and I can be loud, that he’s living through me.

I don’t know what you’re going through dear friend but can I tell you that you’re amazing? You have so much greatness/beauty within you. It could be that whatever obstacle you may be facing may also be an opportunity to bring forth that greatness, sit with the discomfort. Ask yourself what is life/God/the universe trying to show me at this moment? Greatness takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight. It happens slowly. And yes you may have to sit with your feelings, however, this is much better than to swallow or push them down. Just as it’s much easier and it feels better to love than it does to hate. Trust me, I’ve done it and nothing good came from that. Be kind to yourself. You are worthy enough to be good to yourself. You are better than that addiction, that depression, that loneliness, or that drug. I will never be here to sit and judge or minimize, or even push my own agenda or beliefs on anyone. For one, I don’t have agendas, that’s not, nor will it ever be me. I’m transparent. We all know just how fragile life is, especially after this year. My hope for you though is that whatever you’re doing or wherever you’re at that God/the universe meet you and love you and wrap you in his/the universe’s warm embrace. Sometimes that embrace doesn’t always look like how we want it to though, I will say that. Sometimes that embrace hurts more than the trigger or trauma in our lives, and we all have it so we’re never truly alone. But once those tears do fall, the loads we carry become lighter and lighter. Once we learn to let go and just surrender to the process of surrender and slow down and take time for ourselves, we can release the shackles we’ve allowed to take hold of us, and at that moment we can start to move forward towards freedom, or open up room for blessings to come in. If something isn’t happening for you, ask yourself what are you holding onto that isn’t making room in your life for the goodness to pour in? That’s the thing about addictions/disorders, it loves to hold you captive and in bondage, and tells you that you’re not worthy or undeserving but friends you ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH, and you are more than your situation. You are so worthy and deserving of all this good world has to offer! YOU ARE. You are not your past, you aren’t what someone tried to label you. Which FYI -how someone sees you is 99% a reflection of how they see themselves. Most people haven’t fully met themselves until their mid-late 20s or even later in life. So it’s no wonder why some folks treat us badly, but it mostly because they too have unhealed places, so how can we expect them to meet us where we’re at. I’m also not here to say one is better than the other, but it’s basic psychology. You aren’t even your thoughts! Be kind to your “enemies” and more importantly be kind to yourself anyway. We’re all human and still very much learning as we go. Just look at the problems we have, thinking we know best, but God/the universe is in control and we still haven’t gotten it right yet. I don’t know if we ever will but we can only control ourselves and how we respond to things. Which it’s important to sit with the discomfort so it doesn’t manifest in an unhealthy way and cause more harm than need be or contribute to the problems we already have.

I don’t avoid the darkness but I do recognize that in those dark places or gloomy moments, we are being developed. How great is that?! Problems or obstacles will never fully go away, God/the universe is much bigger than us and he/it knows better! How reassuring is that? Obstacles are on purpose to get us to our destiny. Everything serves a purpose and has its own time under heaven. Good day, celebrate! Bad day celebrate that too! It’s those moments where we fall short that we come up higher and stronger. Sometimes obstacles also remind us to stay humble. Pride is a tricky business and can lead us back down the rabbit hole we’re trying to crawl out of if we’re not careful or if we don’t check ourselves.

As we move closer towards a day of thankfulness, I hope you’ll take some time to be thankful for the blessings in your life. They’re always there, even if it’s just one thing, it’s there. Joy is optional, as is happiness. You have to say to yourself, I am choosing to no longer live like this, I am worthy. I am competent. I am a gorgeous person, I deserve all the good things. Say these things and practice positive self-talk ESPECIALLY on the days you don’t feel it. My therapist tells me this all the time, but friends I am learning that my body doesn’t know the difference. I woke up today and I thought, oh no it’s gloomy outside. My body hurts, I’m sore from working out, yada, yada, yada & then I thought no get out of there Sarah, and said to myself “damn Ceballos you’ve come a long way. I’m proud of you, you sexy-smart bitch, look at how far you’ve come”. LOL. Friends my mood instantly shifted at that moment from feeling weary to feeling like damn I really can do anything I want to. If all else fails, celebrate things falling apart, it means that better things are coming together! Let me repeat that again, better things are coming! We only have this moment, right now, this one shot at life. And I truly believe it’s meant to be enjoyed, ALL of it. We are resilient and if we’ve been through tough times before then my dear friends we can get through this too! Because if there is one thing that growing up in Texas and now living in New York has taught me it’s that I refuse to go down without one heck of a fight! I simply refuse to be defeated. You should too! We are stronger and braver than we think we are or our situations would allow us to believe.

I will always live my life in service of others and try to help in any way I can. I won’t ever be perfect, and what is perfect anyway? Getting it wrong I am learning feels better than getting it right, honestly, it’s more fun and interesting. Getting it right or perfect to please who? Boring! I have a lot of things I’m working out in faith and in therapy but hooray! Hooray for the fact we don’t have to stay where we are, and that we can intentionally choose to change the trajectory of our lives. Hooray for the fact we have the gift of choice and the power to change. However, I’m still human. We all are, but can we just take a moment to come together in love and light? Celebrate success, celebrate each other’s wins? Pick each other back up when we fall? If you got me then I got you! Let’s remember to stay kind, humble, and go forward in love and light.

XoXo,

-Dr. S.