Blueprints
I maintain that I’m going to be better about blogging however, I also can’t fault myself for finding my inspiration in between my blogs. I want my posts to mean something, I want them to resonate with folks that are searching for hope. If there is one thing that I am consistent about it’s about the human condition. It’s why I teach, it’s also why I’m an artist at heart. I am a voice for the people or rather those that feel like they don’t have one. Why else would God give me such a colorful mouth with a lack of filter if it wasn’t to tell the truth? But then again what is the truth? I don’t know…I just know my own philosophy but I’ve also learned throughout my almost 30+ something years of living (eeek getting closer to 40) how to control it and perhaps refine it.
I recently finished reading a book by John Kim, and I must confess I’m a huge fan. He makes sense, he’s vulnerable and transparent, traits that are often lacking in this modern, crazy, chaotic, and cruel world we’re living in. As I discover myself again…I have found myself questioning my own definitions of life, challenging my own beliefs. We’re human, flawed, and far from perfect. And guess what, it’s OK! I wish we could all memo each other or send an e-mail about how no one knows what they’re doing, we’re all just sort of guessing or winging our way through life. I feel a very few or select populations actually know what they’re doing and if you do, that’s great! F*cking fantastic! Then there are those of us who may feel like we used to think we knew what we’re doing and then we get to a point where we don’t know what we’re doing. This brings me to this idea of definitions or blueprints. The idea that we have to do life based on someone else’s definition or image of how life should be, the keyword being should.
Definitions can mean anything. Life itself can mean SO many things in itself. Meanings vary depending on geographical location, spirituality/religion, gender, ethnicity and many other factors at play. This is the same lesson I try to teach my students on the daily. I say to them, “Folks, here’s the thing about digital culture much like anything else in life as a result of the global village, definitions and meanings of things and life change on the daily. Life is just not how it once was. Just because one thing meant something today, it can mean something else tomorrow. And we may live in the United States but recognize our “norm” is different from the “norm” of third world countries.” I say to them the importance of being kind and having empathy, ESPECIALLY given everything that’s going on with Ukraine (my thoughts & prayers while they may not be enough are with the people of Ukraine). I feel like the problem comes when everyone feels like they have something to say or feels the need to chime in and judge or share their opinion about how someone ought to live their life. Bob Marley once said, “Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect, but before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean”. I remember having a conversation with an old boss of mine and she said to me, “Sarah we often call out a flaw in someone else because it’s perhaps lacking within ourselves.” I’ll never forget that. I never really understood the importance of those words until I arrived at my 30s and I just got tired of myself. Or at least an older version of me that wasn’t aligned with where I was going. I’m grateful for therapists, I’m grateful for friends that hold a mirror up to me and force me to reconcile with my areas that need improvement, or challenge me to come up higher.
What am I getting at? I decided that I would blog about what to do or how we can be in control in times where we feel like we have no control and the answer is…surprise, surprise nothing new but we’re really only ever in control of ourselves. Which means when we fall short or we somehow disappoint ourselves for not meeting perhaps someone else’s (mom/dad, society’s definition of who we’re “supposed” to be) definition for success, or even a “standard” we can at least extend grace to ourselves. I used to think I knew me and really “met” me because of course I have studied as much as I have, but then I learned that I in reality know very little. It’s impossible to to know everything about everything. I tell my students all the time that I’m merely a disseminator of information, yes in some cases you can say I’m an expert but also, in many ways, I’m not. I always tell them day one that I’m learning with them just as much as they’re learning with me. I get to negotiate the “social norms” of life with them weekly. Which is crazy because if there’s anything this pandemic has taught us, it’s that “normal” changes daily, sometimes hourly. I recall in the earlier days of the pandemic that one day the CDC said, no masks only to refute it the very next day. What does that tell you? We don’t know what we’re doing! I used to wish that we did know what we’re doing and my Virgo nature longs for that organization BUT I am also a Scorpio rising and a Pisces moon SO I know that life is ultimately much more complicated than what’s on the surface. Throw in emotion to the mix and life can be all over the place. Side note, I used to wish life came with a blueprint of how to navigate through feelings. Then again, we perhaps wouldn’t know how to feel our feelings if it wasn’t for certain situations that happen on purpose that help us reconcile our actions or present us with opportunities to come up higher.
Why am I typing all of this nonsense? Because, I feel like there are many who are hurting or causing their own suffering by clinging to old definitions of how “life” ought to be, or perhaps definitions of how “love” or “success” ought to be. For me, I thought that if I had my Ph.D. got my tenure track job, married with lets say a label car, a house, and a “picket fence” I will have made it. In reality, while I have my degree, and I do have a full-time job in academia I remain un-wed and I don’t own my home. In fact, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to retire because when I finished college it’s been difficult to obtain any sort of financial stability. Yes, I have cut back on my spending yet the cost of living has gone up (I also live in NYC, & yes I sometimes rethink my decision of coming here for obvious expensive reasons lol) and I have lived through multiple world events that have made it almost impossible (at least for me) to obtain any kind of wealth. If you’re like me, maybe you thought that success equated to a certain dollar amount. And yes, don’t get me wrong we need money to keep the roof over our heads and to pay debts, bills, if you have children, perhaps one day their college tuition if that’s the route they choose. However, this idea of “wealth” or “abundance” can take other meanings. Maybe for some “wealth” means peace of mind, keeping love in your heart, mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Maybe for you “wealth” means keeping a smile on your face. Who knows?
Folks, life is incredibly short and the only thing you can ever really do is whatever it is that makes YOU happy. I mean the you that no one else sees. The you that you know yourself to be that maybe you hide from the world. This is just me, but now more than ever this world needs YOU to be YOU! That sparkle, that silly sense of humor, that kindness you have, that smile or tenderness or whatever that unique thing about you is. Don’t be afraid of it, it’s your super power! You are doing life on YOUR terms, not on anyone else’s blueprint. Remember this when you feel like you’re “failing” at life. Besides, there’s no such thing as failure if you’re learning from your situation.
Conversely, if you feel like you’ve lost your definition of you or other things that make you, you maybe it’s time to upgrade your wiring? I’m convinced that all of the trials and tribulations we experience in life are on purpose to get us to who we’re supposed to be. I’m also not saying I wish death, famine, or disease on anyone, I would never, but if it wasn’t for life’s misfortunes, mystery, setbacks, or less than “ideal” situations what would change? Would we ever change? In my case, I don’t know… ha. I can be a creature of habit until I get bored lol. Then I have to change it up and move on or change my tune and march to the beat of another drum. For me that’s the only way life is fun. In this moment I’m grateful that I haven’t lost sight of that.
I had a moment today where I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I thought I had lost sight of my sense of humor or the little ironic moments of life that let me know I’m still alive and still breathing. Just the little things, the little nuances I live for. Just this morning my train stalled out FOUR times on my way to work, and thankfully I still made it to class with 15 mins to spare which is late for me. I like to arrive 30 mins if not 45 mins to an hour before class to settle in and get in the mindset of teaching. I ran into a student of mine in the elevator and she said to me, “Morning professor, how are you? I was like honestly? I’m pissed. I had no breakfast and now I have to be marry sunshine to teach. She said to me, yeah I feel your pain my train was late too.” Y’all, I can’t tell you how much those words were life-changing. At that moment we were just humans. I felt seen and heard, which that’s usually my job to be there for my students. Yet I have to remember to let them be there for me or really allow myself to stay open and not be afraid of getting hurt just because I have been hurt in the past. I’ve learned recently, that in spite of everything (and it’s A LOT) there are still wonderful humans in the world that are always willing to help and lift you to your feet when you have trouble remembering how to fly. I wish we shared more stories about kindness than we do negativity. For instance, given yesterday being International Women’s Day, it always fascinates me how women tend to get a bad reputation for being knifing & I’ve experienced my share of that, yes, but also, I know SO many women that are wonderful and genuinely want to see me succeed and have helped me along the way. These are the moments that keep me going. These are the moments that inspire me and help me to remain brave when I so desperately want to shrink back in fear.
My life’s mission is to create a gentler, kinder, braver world even if it’s only one conversation at a time. We NEED it. We need each other. I don’t believe that we’re entirely different from one another. I often get scared of sharing my stories or sharing my opinion because there is always some “Tom”, “Dick”, or “Harry”, or maybe even a “Maria” or “Karen” ready to judge. But honestly, I don’t live to please the naysayers. If someone can relate to me or if they feel seen by whatever is I have to say on any given day then I will consider my life worth it, that’s my job as an artist.
Whoever may be reading this, I see you and I get you my brother/sister/friend (whichever label works for you, ps: I hate labels) and we’re in this together. I’ve reached the point of my life where yes I want to be challenged and questioned. I want to stare my fears in the face and do things that scare me, why? Because it’s the only way out or the only way in which (I have found) we grow.
Wishing y’all all the best or a good as can be expected given the times we’re living in. We mustn’t lose hope, I know it’s hard but as long as we keep love in our hearts, we have everything we need. I’m rooting for you!
Con todo mi amor,
Dr. Sarita
