Never Stop Fighting
It’s been a while, but here I am… new year, same me. Well, maybe not exactly the same because we’re always growing and changing whether we recognize it or not. Where did I go? I couldn’t tell you, November hit and suddenly the rest of the holidays and then another year was upon us. In my downtime I have been reflecting quite a bit. Mostly about where I’ve been and who I want to be and where I’m going and I’ve learned to not necessarily be tied to a specific outcome. Yes, there are things I plan to accomplish and some I already have but I’ve learned to remain flexible and open.
I’ve also learned that growth happens on purpose. I mean the kind of growth that can only be found or uncovered during dark or difficult places. Do we always like them no? But are we grateful when we come out of them? Yes. I’m still learning to embrace these moments and recognize that they’re happening for me and not to me. God/the universe loves us way too much to leave us the same. If there’s anything I learned last year it’s that things are always working for our greatest good. I’m thankful.
I had a moment this morning while sitting in church (and by sitting in church I of course mean watching from home, thanks COVID lol) where I just thought to myself how great is God? As I embark on a new chapter tomorrow while I’m scared a part of me is incredibly happy and excited for this new opportunity. I’m still in disbelief. Did I really get here? Did it all really work out for me? I never knew what was going to happen when I got to New York, I just knew that when I got here it was where I was supposed to be. I look back and I think to myself, what was I thinking? There I was 32 when most are settling down and I was over here with nothing more than two suitcases a backpack, my laptop, and nothing more. I didn’t even have a permanent address to call home. It was just supposed to be summer at Stella Adler and then back home to Texas. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to fulfill that ticket back home. I just couldn’t betray my heart like that, I had to blindly throw my faith into my dreams not knowing what would happen. Did I go through a period of sucking? Yes. Have I questioned my life’s choices as a “responsible” adult and an actor? Absolutely I have. Still, I have to thank God for giving me the strength and perseverance to really see things through. The moments of doubt, the moments of when I thought to myself can I really do this? Maybe I should just pack it all up and head home, who were you kidding Ceballos?
Little did I know those moments were all leading me to my destiny, my purpose, my truth. It is often said that when you follow your passions, then the career and success comes. I’ll never forget starting drama school too when they specifically told us, “Don’t chase the fame, chase the craft.” Sometimes I think why did God/the universe trust me so much to give me these dreams or visions I have for myself. I’m just a girl from South Texas, you want me to do what now? I’m supposed to make something out of nothing? Ok God. Fear is a fickle thing, either you use it to face everything and rise or you can face everything and run. I chose to rise. The sleepless nights, the tears I have cried. My goodness have there been tears and I’m ok with that. It means I’m still human, it means I still have a pulse and there is still something out there for me to accomplish and do to leave this world maybe just a smidge better.
But I did it! I didn’t settle, I didn’t back down, I have literally fought for my dreams. Fought battles I was always so scared to talk about. In reading this book by John Kim “The Angry Therapist” I realize that I’m doing myself a disservice and the greater good if I don’t share or talk about my journey. Besides, what is my purpose, or what am I really doing if I’m not sharing my testimony to inspire someone else? All of which I write to give thanks to God/the universe or whatever higher power you believe in.
I can’t believe it, it’s here. The new job, the ROI on my Ph.D. the thing I thought would never happen. Did it take a little bit longer? Yes, it did, but you see friends that’s just how God/the universe works, it works out in its perfect timing and in our own unique plan. Besides if it had come sooner it may have arrived “unfit” or altered somehow. I used to think I needed to see some sort of blueprint or I’d pray and ask God for maybe just a hint or insight to let me know I’m “getting it right” or that I’m on time. I laugh because who’s timeline am I really on except my own? I mean really. And exactly what does getting it “right” even mean these days? Maybe this is what we as humans or society need to be better about and stop expecting life to be like how we thought it would and just embrace where we’re at now. Every day may not be a good day but there is always good in every day.
I wish I could tell nine-year-old me that. I wish I could tell depressed, suicidal me that when I was a teenager or any other dark chapter in my life. Then again me at those stages wouldn’t have listened. Still, I’m grateful. It was in those moments when I absolutely didn’t know if I could make it or if I even wanted to live to see another day or those moments I desperately wanted to run away and just change my name or go somewhere where no one knows me that I learned resilience. It is in those moments that my faith and perseverance was absolutely tested to its limits that I grew stronger. It’s those moments where I learned to appreciate the beauty all around me. The tiny miracles that happen truly make life worth living.
Life will never be easy and I’m starting to think I don’t want it to be. How boring would that be? How predictable and ho-hum would that be? And nothing against anyone who loves routine, shoot I have to have one for me sometimes because my nature is to be all over the place lol. My nature is just always to throw caution to the wind and worry about what happens next after. Still, I have learned I can’t “routine” my way through life because then the inevitable happens…change. The one constant in life, is change. I’ve learned nothing is ever really finished and there will always be something to work on and maybe this is the secret to life? Remaining adaptable and more importantly remaining open. It’s about having the courage to put one foot in front of the other and press forward regardless of speed.
I don’t know that I’m big on resolutions, but I am big on self-improvement and as of last year I am big on self-love. I had to learn what “self-love” looks like because if you’re like me and most have experienced trauma at some point in our lives we needed to learn what “healthy” love looks like. If there is one “resolution” or vow I’d like to make it’s to just embrace life and not get caught up in destination disease where I remained focused on the what-ifs and the what not’s of life or the coulda, shoulda, woulda, and just live. For the most part, I’d like to think I’ve gotten better about this. It’s also easy to stay angry and choose negative emotions that don’t serve us. I’m learning to choose joy, I’m learning to stay and operate from a place of love. I’m also learning to be better about checking my own ego. I know shocking I have one, lol. But it’s there, I won’t ever be perfect and I don’t live to be but I do believe in doing what’s right and following your heart. That also means cooling off before responding in my case.
Has my heart led me down the wrong path a time or two? Yes. But do I have incredible stories and scars to show for it? ABSOFU*CKINGLOUTLEY! If death is the destination we will ultimately arrive at why not make the best of our years here on this planet no matter how messed up it is? Why not take the time to look inward and dare to be the people we truly want to be regardless of what anyone else thinks? It’s OUR lives, not anyone else’s!
I don’t know what my future holds nor do I no longer care, but I know for a fact it won’t be boring! I mean for one I won’t allow it to be and neither will God/the universe and no matter what comes my way good and bad the fact that I’m still here refusing to give up or go out without one heck of a fight well then that’s all I need to “make it” in this world. I guess I have “made it” in New York. I managed to attend the Tony Awards one year, teach at NYU, get my own place without a roommate, and conquer the world of academia! I’m not packing it all up and throwing in the towel, heck NO! I’ve come too far, & what a time to be alive! My next goal: making my TV debut, oh it’s going to happen and I can’t wait! I realize now that God/the universe wouldn’t have given me dreams bigger than me or things that I don’t even fathom if it wasn’t part of my journey, my only prayer now is that I always have faith to just show up.
I hope I made mom and dad (in heaven) proud. I hope I’ve made ALL of the fine folks in my life that constantly encouraged me and poured into my life when I wasn’t always strong enough to do that for me proud, I pray that God sees me through this next chapter of my journey. I CAN’T wait to report to work tomorrow and serve my new community!
Friends, please never ever give up on your dreams, most of all never ever give up on yourself. YOU GOT THIS! Even if you don’t know how it will all work out, I promise you it will. If we haven’t been listening to what Journey has been singing about these years, never stop believing. Never stop believing that it can STILL happen. And I’ll always be here to cheer and root for you along the way ;)
-Dr. Sarah D. Ceballos, Ph.D.
Assistant Professor of Management ;)
(Not that I chased the title, but damn it feels good to be a gangster/Doctor right now).
