"NY, I LOVE YOU BUT YOU'RE BRINGING ME DOWN."
I think I’m starting to understand what “The Clash” was singing about when they wrote this song. They totally were from another city living in the city trying to decide if they should stay or go, right? That has to be what the song is about! I say to myself, have a giggle and indulge myself in an open love/hate letter to the city of New York, specifically Manhattan, because let’s be honest here, the boroughs I’m sure don’t drive people nearly this crazy! Side note: Brooklyn if you’re listening I really miss you. You’re so chill & wonderfully weird and authetic…could you please reason with this island for me?
I am TRYING my damndest to not give up on my heart’s desire but everything inside me is telling me to quit. Yet the city whispers to me ever so subtly today, I FINALLY felt it speaking to me and I thought New York and I had lost our vibe. Still, I wonder why the struggle? Is this what every New Yorker experiences their second year? The first year was a breeze and I absolutely fell in love on the daily with all I discovered both “popular” and offbeat. After all, that’s what makes the city great right?
It seems my honeymoon phase is over and every fiber of me wants to go back to Texas because well it’s home and it’s comfortable and I can be country and there’s nature and wide-open spaces and my family. The girls are still there too. REAL Mexican food, chips and queso perhaps a future husband who knows? Less I forget damn good Margaritas. I’m really not a lush in fact I try not to drink but I feel like the ones back home are just made better.
The irony of all this is I was literally in an off-off-Broadway show depicting life as an actor in this city and I recall this particular sketch so vividly, the line goes, “Remember when our hopes and dreams were all brand new and we couldn’t wait to make them come true”…the rest of the sketch pokes fun about how hope dissipates and its a sketch of five out of work actors. I finally get it now. Here I am and I wondering if it’s ever going to happen for me. I feel like those characters in that sketch, the struggle has never been more real for me than it is today. I still need to add to my reel and I’m already in need of new headshots soon. Ugh! Chase your dreams they said, you’ll regret if you don’t, they said. Why don’t they ever tell you how it REALLY is so you can prepare for it?
Yes, I need to keep on keeping on, yes I am working on monologue for agents, submitting for auditions. I’ve yet to have one in a while, need I forget trying to make a living here. Why is it that when you see all the movies about New York, listen to the songs they never tell you the not so shiny parts of it. The nitty, the gritty and how the city has a way of sucking the soul right out of you. In the words of LCD Soundsystem, “New York I love you but you’re bringing me down.”
I packed for my upcoming trip back to Houston and realized that I just might be a New Yorker now, given that I packed nothing but black clothes. I thought to myself, “this doesn’t make me emo, I just can’t pack my colorful sweaters because it’s still 80 degrees back home. It’s not summer but do I pack color and patterns? I want to carry on but if I incorporate color that means more shoes, other outer layer options, more accessories and, an additional handbag. C’mon Ceballos we learned to not take a bigger suitcase because coming home we have to lug that thing around the subway” How the fuck does this shit work? Can someone please explain to me how to “New York”? Am I doing it wrong? How does anyone keep their happiness and stay inspired when the inspiration isn’t coming. Do I wave a white flag, send a smoke signal, scream out the top of my lungs? Rain dance? Call a Shaman? I’m open to suggestions, please fill out the contact me form on my website and help a girl out! My “village” for the most part is still back in TX but I do need one here to keep me going when I don’t know if I can keep going on my own.
We were there, we had it, New York, you took me to the mother f’cking Tony’s my first year! Was I fool to think the second year would top the first? Perhaps I was. Is it you or is it me? It might just be me in this case. Yes I know mindset matters, I’m all about positive affirmations and inspirational memes. I have to wonder if it’s all bullsh*t sometimes, the affirmations I mean. Lol. I pray, I talk to God (I perhaps need to do more of this). However, I’ve also told the universe my intentions and yet here I am working 3 now almost 4 jobs all trying to make it happen and it’s still not enough. I tell myself a quick break is just the literal ticket I need to escape for a bit.
New York, you were everything I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. I never thought I would ever end up here one day. I don’t know if you’re for me long term but I also know that if I left you right now my heart will break. I can’t give up on my dreams now, I’ve come this far and I know you want and expect more out of me but take it easy on me, will you? That’s a silly question, of course, you won’t. I know you’re forcing me to move to get out of my comfort zone and I want to be on the grind 2/47 but I’m not there yet and also I’m human. New York, I love you but I don’t have to like you right now, “we’re on a break!” Don’t you try to charm yourself back into my heart!
Earlier this evening I was walking to the train after watching The Adams Family (2019) in the UWS (Upper West Side) when I stood in awe of all the homes and then it happened, I saw the foliage and two things occurred to me, the colors are captivating and I forgot how much the city shows off during fall. As I got off the train and embarked on my long walk home and by long I do mean the entire 2 minutes it takes for me walk expeditiously up the stairs from the subway and to the street level and around the corner to my building, when I heard ol’ blue eyes’ Theme from New York, New York, “Start spreading the news”. I’ll never forget being back in the H and thinking to myself, “I can’t wait to wake up in a city that never sleeps”. HA the version of me right now at this very moment is trying to find the appropriate words to describe the mixed bag of emotions I am feeling so I can go to sleep! I know I’m getting older when that’s all I want to do, especially living here. You’re such a Wiley thing NYC, go figure I’m about to embark on a journey back to the home country in less than 24 hours and you just HAD to use your magic that caused Frankie to play on my Apple music didn’t you? Why are you doing this to me!?! I want to quit but you won’t let me. If this were an episode of “Friends” this would be the one where you send in “Maria” or “Mario” in my case so I can’t quit the gym”. I can’t stand you sometimes and yet you send me signs when I’m away from you that you miss me, this isn’t healthy New York! You can’t keep toying with my emotions, it’s nearly Christmas! Yet when I’m gone I wonder why every other city isn’t open 24/7 like you or why there aren’t trains?
I’m charmed after tonight yes, but I’m not back in love. Tell me how we find it again, that special thing as the French say je ne sais quo that made me fall in love with you in the first place. Please don’t let it be over between us soon New York, we’re just getting started and I don’t want to leave you! But this is a two-way deal and its going to take work on both our parts, but I’m willing to try! But for now let’s revisit our relationship next week because the Astros are in the World Series, my girls are expecting me so you see Houston needs me right now and you need time to think about what you’ve done to me, because I don’t really feel like you need me right now New York and a gal has got to feel the love.
Note to self: You’re personifying your relationship with the city, ask your therapist if this is healthy or if it’s a real thing about living here.
If people are allowed to have relationships with inanimate objects such as a car or even a pair of jeans they can have one with cities too right?
They totally can. Everyone does it, you’re not crazy Ceballos, ok maybe just a little but who wants boring anyway?
