FAILURE
Eww, is the word that comes to mind usually when I see, read or hear about “failure”.
I used to think I always had to get it right and I find that I’m still having to learn this lesson, especially when it comes to my acting.
I had a moment last night while I was in my Alexander Technique class when my teacher was correcting my form and what I felt the second, even third time around I began my monologue what my posture did for my confidence and tension, when I said out loud it only took me three years to understand what the words “being grounded” truly meant.
I thought that this year had been the worst year of my life and as I look back, as uncomfortable as it’s been, it’s probably been the best in terms of sowing and planting but most of all learning. I thought to myself, I came to the city not knowing what would happen or who I would meet, so many wonderful things happened last year, I got hired and then quickly terminated before the semester even began with a certain school that will remain nameless. I then quickly got picked up by one of the greatest schools in the country and even the world. I got into the two-year conservatory at Stella which I had to drop for financial reasons. Surely you can imagine the toll it took on my sanity and what happened to my anxiety. I then thought on numerous occasions, I was never supposed to stay here. So many things fell into place quickly that I just couldn’t leave the city. Sure the city is great when life is peachy but then the question becomes what happens and what do you do when it’s not?
Life sending in me in many different directions and so many roadblocks and the constant ever-present “no” in an actor’s life. I thought surely I’m getting it wrong and failing at life. I have nothing really saved other than my teacher retirement stuff that stayed back home in Texas. No house, no potential husband or even potential boyfriends, I’m not even dating. Should I be hitting certain benchmarks in my 30s? I know I’ve blogged about this before but that’s when it hit me…
I almost cried in class when my teacher said to me, failure is more of a teacher than when you get it right. Something inside of me began to implode and as tears filled my eyes I thought to myself let it all go Ceballos. Why had I been so hard on myself, who did I really have to prove anything to? Although my Mom thinks I’m crazy for chasing my dreams, she’s still supportive and loves me anyway. I also thought to myself, God did not bring me this far to fail me now.
I then thought, how do I even know that I’m failing? Maybe, just maybe I’m learning and there’s nothing better than that. If there’s one thing I took away from therapy this year is that I can’t do anything about the past, it stays there. I can only do something about the now and trust that everything will fall into place. Except that I wish I had spent more of 2019 extending grace to myself versus beating myself up for all the things I thought I was getting wrong.
Why is it that I’ve spent my 30s undoing most of the doing I did in my 20s? Isn’t that crazy? Just when I thought maybe acting isn’t for me anymore I also thought about the words of Dear Stella Adler as I walked out of class which is this, “Life beats you down, crushes your soul and art reminds you that you have one.” I don’t know how I got so far off course or lost sight of my goal but last night it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. I was reminded that without acting I don’t know who I would be, it lights me up in so many ways and taught me many things about myself I’m not sure I would have discovered otherwise.
I love this industry but why don’t they ever talk about the dark side of it. It’s always book, book, book, do this or that, attend this workshop with that casting director or that casting director. You need an agent if you want to win (which yes they are important as are managers) but why don’t they ever tell you it’s OK to go at your own pace? Confucius even said, “it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop.”
Friends, it’s easy to beat ourselves up in multiple ways even if you’re not an actor I’m sure the lessons I’m learning are still relatable to you no matter what industry you’re in, and yes life is hella tough but if there’s one thing that New York has taught me is that once again in those moments where I didn’t know if I could make it, it turns out that I can and honestly in this city for me, that’s my biggest accomplishment…SURVIVING! Shoot I was ready to pack up my things and the two suitcases I came here with and go back home.
Funny thing is, when I went home recently I realized I’m not that person anymore and while I’m grateful it’s just not for me anymore. I don’t know how long I will be in New York but I can honestly and wholeheartedly say I’m SO much better because of this experience and right now life doesn’t get much better than that. So in the spirit of it being November and this is a month where we give thanks I’m grateful for you 2019. Guess what!? I’m ready to go again and give ’em hell!
Be kind to yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say this to you but honestly, I struggle with it too but it is only now that I fully understand what these words mean. I don’t know what lies ahead for me in this little actor’s journey of mine but I am HERE FOR IT, ALL of it! Even if I fail, and I’m sure I will continue to do so, I am reminded that I have to re-program what it truly means and that is a lesson learned, and lessons learned are never wasted.
I hope and pray everyone has a joyous holiday season with not only your loved ones but also yourselves, self-love and care is perhaps the best gift you can give yourselves. Let’s remember to be grateful for the good times and the bad. Although we may not enjoy the bad while we’re going through it we must remind ourselves that we’re actually growing through it. I love y’all, thanks for reading along and let’s end 2019 with a bang!
