LIVING THE DREAM
What if we could just be and remain open to what God is trying to tell us or for my non-spiritual friends what if we could listen to the universe, what would change? I’ve been thinking a lot about what Pastor Carl has been preaching about lately which is the idea that:
“How you think determines how you feel. How you feel determines what you do. What you do becomes who you are.”
I was on Instagram like every other person in this world when I stumbled across a friend’s story and she shared a meme that said, “sometimes God allows for creatives to experience more trauma so that they can take it and make something great.”
What I have learned from my life’s experiences is that they have made me who I am. I have learned more from the “bad” or “trying” times than I have when everything was peachy keen. We may not always enjoy the trials and tribulations of life but we can certainly appreciate them after they pass. Perhaps this is the secret of living, which is to just keep moving forward. The easier option, of course, is to quit but friends we weren’t built for that.
I had a moment tonight as I was walking around in Hell’s Kitchen with Times Square in front of me when I thought to myself how did I get here? Like how? It blows my mind sometimes. In fact, there are moments when I think I’m still dreaming & none of it is real. I have to stop myself and check-in and “feel my feet”, which is something I wish I had learned sooner from the Alexander Technique. I have no idea what the future holds but the fact that I am out here in one of the greatest cities in the world chasing my childhood dream when so much of my adolescence was always society telling me to do this or do that, find a “reasonable” career. Get married at this age, have a house by this age and you’re a Latina so you should have this many kids at this age. I do wish I had made this dream plan A. Where would I be? Then again I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Funny business being an actor and when I was younger I thought I could escape myself and the agony and awkwardness I felt growing up because I didn’t know many kids who could relate to what I was going through. Yet acting is all about learning yourself and uncovering other aspects of your personality. I see what you did there God. I’m ready for you to make up for the lost time & I have to believe my heart’s desires are still coming to pass.
Side note: I’m also still not used to calling myself Doctor either. I still remember that moment at graduation I thought to myself silently that someday I would get my Ph.D. I don’t know if schooling first is the answer to have fallback options or if chasing the dream when I was young and foolish would have been the answer, however, I count it all success. Additionally, I will never regret my education, it has given me so much and opened my eyes, mostly it gave me the courage to begin to face my inner demons and eventually find the courage to do the damn thing I’ve always wanted to do.
Maybe that is just what my purpose has all been about, learning to make the best of my circumstances good or bad and actually allow myself to feel and be present. Life is happening now, as I reflect back to younger me I can’t help but cry. She went through A LOT to get here and I don’t know how I made it through, but it is true that God’s grace is sufficient no matter what we face, I am living proof of that. How did I get here? I don’t deserve it. I’m learning to appreciate the unknown, while scary its also exciting, here I stand braver, stronger & most of all happier than I have ever been. Who knew that in letting go of so much this year I’d find a better version of me. It felt like breaking but really things were coming together as they were meant to. Honestly, I am so f*cking proud of me and I’m not one to ever brag but what a time to be alive. I can’t wait to see what the future holds, more importantly, I can wait to share my story to help someone else out.
But as Pastor Carl said and has been saying, in order to change the world we must first change ourselves. Isn’t that just the beauty of life? We as humans continually evolve, grow & adapt no matter what hands we are dealt with. While they may not always be ideal, we are so much stronger than we think and above all else, our father God/the universe loves us SO much that we would do a disservice to ourselves if we didn’t lean in and remain open no matter how hard it gets.
This is the life I have chosen and I GET TO live it, and it all started with my mindset. The secret petitions of my heart I wouldn’t dare say out loud but God heard it all, especially the tears. I realize now I’m still dreaming but this time with my eyes wide open. If someone would have told me all that I went through as a kid (losing Dad and such, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts) would lead me here I wouldn’t have believed them. Beauty for ashes, beauty in the unknown and I am wholeheartedly and internally grateful. I see what you did here 2019, as awkward as you were, I’m still here, humbled and honored for the lessons. I didn’t give up, instead, I leaned into the discomfort, faced it head-on and found my way through. I guess this is growing up? Although I never want to grow up, that would mean that all the learning is done and there’s no fun left.
Funny business chasing dreams, they never tell you what it looks like or the bumps or detours you may face along the way, they just say never give up; and what a ride it has been! In the words of Bowie, “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.”
