Life's Duality
I don’t even know where to begin, I could count all the things going wrong in my life and around the world. And it’s A LOT. Do I always get it right? Nope. I perhaps fail more than I succeed yet there’s a subtle knowing and this feeling I get that I must press on in spite of circumstance. Circumstances are always subject to change! How amazing is that?
And at this moment, when I think about life’s unknowns or how much I want to be reactive to certain things, it serves me no good. I could instead spend that energy on things that are working out, the things that are going right in my life. For if we search for what we’re looking for, we usually find that we have MORE than enough. I choose to surround myself with those that want to be surrounded by me. The truth is, I am a whole person and if I have so much to give, it’s because I have lost so much. I would rather give what I can to see someone else happy and not for my own gratification but because I know what it’s like to feel left out or overlooked. Maybe that’s why I’m a Hufflepuff? I don’t know, the Potterhouse or whatever the official Harry Potter quiz is never explained my results, still waiting on answers to the many questions I have lol.
I always go back to losing my dad because it’s been the one thing in my life that set the stage for everything else in my life. It taught me how to appreciate life and everyone in it. It taught me to never take one moment or a human for granted. That I MUST give it all I’ve got because it could all be gone. Do I want to want to have dad with me, of course, I do! Did it suck for a period of time, not knowing how to handle me in some of my earlier relationships? Yes, it did. Did I face some of the darkest demons known to this world? Yes, I did. But also, I’ve overcome so much, and at the same time, all of those experiences taught me how to love myself. A love that is so deep and so pure that only I could give that to me, well that and God. That experience of losing a parent so early in life has allowed me to open up again eventually and helps me feel so much which translates to better acting.
Do I wish that life was always hunky-dory? Yes, but then again, that would mean that life would probably get boring too. It would mean that there’s nothing left to learn or another mountain to climb. Some of my fondest memories in life, looking back have been the valleys. The parts where I didn’t know if I could make it to see another day of life, or how I was going to make rent. Then I remember, I am not what’s happened to me. I’m not my environment, I’m not the people that have betrayed me or dismissed me or overlooked me. I’m also not my bank account. On the contrary, I am SO much more than that, and there is SO much more to look forward to in life. More importantly, what the valleys have taught me or the “storms” in life is that not all storms come to destroy. Some come to clear a path, and above all else, they come to purposely put us in the correct trajectory of our lives. Why? Because our destiny is TOO important than to be caught up in the wrong situations, the wrong job, the wrong people, and even the wrong environment. I have also learned that how people treat us is 99% about what’s going on with them, not us. You have to hold space for that, not sorrow but compassion and understanding. It makes it easier to let go, and experience the lighter side of life. That is life’s duality, we can’t always have the sun without rain and vice versa, both are equally important.
When sh*t hits the fan, and it almost always inevitably always will, while we can’t be in control of it all, we can be in control of ourselves. Lean into the discomfort and recognize that it will all serve a purpose much bigger than we can fathom in time. Friends, I’ve been through too much in my day that I almost prefer these moments where the wrong things leave my life than to go on another minute, hour, month, or even a year in the wrong direction. I used to blame myself for knowing better but still choosing to stay because I believed in the potential of a relationship or a job, or even just the potential of others. It’s easy to beat ourselves up for the wrongdoings but what if we took it as a sign of how capable we are in loving and how much faith we have in humanity.
At this moment, I very much want to lean into anger or frustration. But what for? What would that serve? It’s exhausting! I don’t understand and it’s annoying and anxiety triggering. BUT in fact, giving in to those emotions would only harm me further. I’m also not saying that I’m not processing, nor am I encouraging anyone else to not feel your feelings or flee from them, I’ve done that too and it made things worse. Instead, pause, reflect soul search, and more importantly REST. Ha, living in New York for three years especially I have had to be more diligent about resting. While giving into hate or any other negative emotion is the easier choice, and a very natural human response I am choosing love. It is much easier than holding onto emotions longer than necessary. We can choose to stay where we are OR we can also be brave and face the music. In spite of how hard things may get or look on the surface, I will always choose love.
I think about where I’ve been, and where I’m at, and where I’m going and it gives me so much hope. My life as an actor has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I’ll never forget those early moments in my classes back in Houston where I learned it was ok to cry. Cry in front of people in a safe room, feel my feelings, and press forward no matter how scary life gets. I learned to ask myself what is the worst that can happen? I remember in those tender, precious even sacred moments where I learned that it’s ok to fail. Failure doesn’t have to mean the end of the world, but rather an opportunity to do things better or come up higher. Failure teaches us resilience! Ah-ha, life’s duality. I think about my dear Stella Adler, my alma mater (how awesome is it that I can say that?! I still fangirl out. Only God), but I recall her words, “Life beats you down, crushes the soul. Art reminds you that you have one.”
I don’t know who I’m writing this for, or even if anyone will ever read it. And it’s ok, I trust that in the right time this will reach the right person/people that need to read these words, and may they resonate with you so deeply that you find the strength to carry on my “Wayward son/daughter” (oh hey is this what Kansas was singing about all this time? LOL). I may not know you by name, but God/the universe does and it sees you and all that you’re going through and you’re not alone. I love you and you matter and may all the things/odds work in your favor!
