Is Youth Wasted on the Young?
Funny business getting older, the things I thought I always wanted for myself. Or moments that I thought would never end or the time arrive when I could be “free”, especially when it came to my grief. The moments where I did things out of that trauma, and the wounds not only from that loss but also those that were inflicted upon me by others. Some of these events happened beyond my control and some didn’t. I realize now, I attracted folks at the time that were also hurting and though their harm perhaps was unintentional (in hindsight) I recognize just how extremely important it is to dig deep and deal with the trauma. By confronting the things that we’re afraid of, including the painful stuff, we destigmatize the stereotype, change the narrative and normalize it. I know none of what I type (or is it write?) isn’t anything new, but goodness is it true!
As I continue to heal, I have to remember to forgive and extend grace to myself as I did things out of survival mode or to keep myself safe. While I am training for a marathon (or trying my best to) I realize that I ran away from things out of fear. Fear that I would get hurt again or fear that if I got close to someone they’d leave or abandon me. Then when I finally let my guard down and trust people, it was like either all or nothing, which isn’t always healthy. Healthy relationships and healthy love take time. Grief is such a fickle thing; I’m reminded of the term “fundamental attribution error” a term I became familiar with in grad school and how I often attributed wrongdoings to anything but my grief. The problem surely has to be something else, but deep down I always knew I was trying to fill a void, I just never wanted to acknowledge it. Then again younger me didn’t know better. Your 20s really are like a second childhood and I find myself wishing that I didn’t waste my youth then. However, I don’t regret any of it, not the depression, or anxiety nor the suicidal thoughts I once had. I realize now, they kept coming up because I constantly suppressed everything. I buried myself in school, extracurricular activities, and sports (ok just the one, swimming). “Fake it till you make it right”?
I remember being a kid and always wanting to be 30. It’s almost as if that whole “13 Going on 30” movie was based somewhat on my life. I’ll never forget my mother telling me, “Sarita don’t always be in such a hurry to grow up” and now that I am there is a huge part of me that wishes I could go back and do things differently or make time slow down just a bit. Perhaps I would have traveled more in my 20s vs. my 30s. But then again would I have appreciated it as much? Maybe I also would have made better financial decisions too, invested in some real estate back home? Who knows. I can’t go back and undo the past, I can only do something about my future.
It’s 2023, and we’re almost to the halfway point of the year, it blows my mind! Sometimes I think I’m behind in life because I’m not married, nor do I own any sort of property (yet) and if I’m being honest, I’m glad. My journey is different from everyone else’s, and my singlehood is such a beautiful thing. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Take me on trips, and as I sit here and blog while I travel back to the city I realize that I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. I’m grateful that the journey is still going and while there may have been parts that have felt wasted in my youth, it isn’t necessarily a waste. It was all a part of my divine destiny to mold & shape me into a better version of myself. I don’t have that kind of time anymore to waste on anything that is sent to steal my joy.
I had a moment during my travels this weekend where I read something that most entrepreneurs start their businesses at 42, welp, for once I just might be “ahead of the curve”, that is if the data is correct (nerd humor). As I look back on who I’ve been and who I’m becoming, I know for a fact that it’s been God/the universe/my abuelita’s prayers, and my dad watching over me that have all kept me safe. I’m convinced this is unconditional love, even when I’m wrong, I’m loved enough to be re-routed or pivoted back to where I’m meant to go or become. How great is that?
Love is powerful. Is it easy? Absolutely not, but it is worth it? 100% I love me. I had a moment I woke up this morning and I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought to myself damn Ceballos you look so good! No makeup, my messy naturally wavy hair, my toned legs (thanks Mom for your legs & Dad for your calves)! Age really is a gift, I don’t know if my youth was wasted while I was younger, but if the 30s are the new 20s, then the future can only get brighter from here.
Adulthood is funny though, that’s for sure. In a way, I do feel like I’m regressing. I’m having more fun & feeling more fulfilled and comfortable in this skin. My body on the other hand has sent me some warning signs, still, I’m grateful. If only life came with a manual or some sort of guidebook, but then again I’ve never really followed the rules per se, I’ve always made my own.
