Harlem
I got to thinking about full circles once again today and I know I blogged about this toward the end of last year, but I’ve realized that when you have these moments you’re growing even more comfortable in your skin. I’ve also realized that it’s an ongoing thing and I’m glad. I remember when I finished my Ph.D. I was depressed for a while. For one, my whole life and identity were tied to grad school. Second, I remember being sad because I thought it meant that the adventure and journey would be over.
That was the whole reason why I got back into acting. I had always missed the stage and theatre since I was a kid and I tried to pick it back up again but I talked myself into the safe route and I thought my silly childhood dreams were a thing of the past. Wrong again. It turns out that acting was the one thing I always regretted not doing so the writing was on the wall, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to get back to it. At the time I didn’t know how I was going to. It’s interesting to me how God/the universe work in mysterious ways…I’m reminded of the cliche, “People come into our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime” & I recall that I had a friend at the time who recently finished film school who encouraged me to get back into acting. They told me a name of an acting coach to look into & the rest as “they” say is history!
I later trained with a different coach who was more methodical in her approach. Naturally, my overly analytical mind wanted to understand acting theory conceptually so then I could process it. Oh God, how silly I was then to think acting comes from the mind, it does in a way but goodness did I have to learn my instrument and really open up my entire being, including my heart to respond to words on a page under imaginary circumstances. It terrified and excited me at the same time (as it does to this day, but mostly excites me), I knew then I was on the right path. Then came graduation, post-grad trip to the city and I knew NYC was where I needed to be.
As I look back, I think to myself how did I just know what to do, where to apply, find the housing I needed, learn the city, all of that stuff? I’ll never forget “landing” in Harlem. It was loud, dirty, and a bit of a culture shock at the time. Still, I was so inspired. I’ve always admired the African American/Black community and I also found Harlem to be bold and beautiful at the same time. The way that their art was and just is so prominently on display is like a beautiful tapestry. The Latino community is similar however, it was the first time I was experiencing a culture outside of my own, “Tejano/Tejana” culture especially being from a border town is all I knew. Sure I had traveled but I hadn’t fully immersed myself in places I had visited long enough to enjoy myself & learn from them. How freeing it all seemed and something new to experience. I’ll also never forget crying my eyes out about a month & a half into living in the city where I was so afraid and homesick that I booked my return flight home to Texas. I was sure I was done with New York & I told myself just a few more weeks, and then I can go home, early August was not coming fast enough, as it turns out God/the universe ultimately had other plans.
What came after that? The beginning of the rest of my life. Things settled down & as I look back it was really me that needed to settle in and that’s when I learned, you can’t fight the city or the process. It will have its way with you and it will win. It will eat you up and spit you back out & leave you with remnants of who you used to be. Thank God, I am not a woman without savviness and a good sense to make the best out of nothing. I’m also blessed in that, I’ve never really had to face things alone here. Is it the city or is it God/the universe? I don’t know, but I somehow always find what I need. It could be a meaningless conversation with a complete stranger or a smile albeit rare depending on what part of the city I’m in but as I grow older the more I recognize I’m always where I need to be. Mostly, NYC has been the kind of place for me that has pushed me to become the best version of myself. Sometimes it feels like it’s a constant push and there are moments where she eases up some but then it’s always like let’s get back to it. However, it’s also the type of city that will love you no matter what, it’s kind and warm, and it strips away the superfluous or unnecessary so all that remains is authentic.
Sometimes, I still wake up thinking I’m back in Houston, or living in some other blue part of Texas & then I say to myself, it’s ok, you’re home, you’re in New York. I don’t know if it’s imposter syndrome or perhaps I’m still adjusting even after nearly five years of living here. I find I’m also learning to redefine my definition of home. There are days I feel so country and so wild, so rock n’ roll and laid back at the same time, and on those days I identify with being a Texan. Then there are days when I’m very about my work. I’ve always had a strong work ethic, but I mean the days where there’s an extra pep in my step and I walk faster than other New Yorkers, and no one better fuck with me because I need to get shit done and once it’s done I can let out a huge sigh of relief. Perhaps I am a bit of a workaholic and in that regard, boundaries are very new for me, still I am learning. However, it’s also more of when I’m somewhere with someone or immersing myself in a conversation or meal with friends, I want to be all there and not worry or be distracted. But again, I’m learning to leave things unfinished if it comes to that, put them down, and then pick them back up on a different day, especially when I’m better rested.
Today was no exception, I thought to myself I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I very much wanted to. I did clean because I just can’t stand filth or a mess so I thought to myself, I’ll nap before I go to a friend’s play reading. I didn’t get the nap I wanted but I did get something out of today that I didn’t know my soul needed, nourishment. I will never shut up about the arts, not only because I am an artist but also because it’s one of the rare occasions where we’re allowed to engage in a community without judgment and without labels. Plus artists are just the most humble, open & loving people. They’re in tune with humanity in a way that most people often are afraid to be or they’re aware but they run away. We can go to a place and feel something. We live in a world that constantly tells us to be this or that, play it safe, suppress, and don’t feel. Blend in (eww). Disregard any other thing that isn’t like you or foreign, it’s a real problem I find. We have lost the art of conversation even before the digital age came about. Maybe we never had it? Yet it’s almost as though this whole world has become mutually exclusive with no room for anything else to exist. Sometimes life can be both, it doesn’t always have to be one or the other.
That’s the thing about life, there will always be moments when differences can cause friction or worse lead to conflict but what if it was there to challenge you to think or come up higher? There will also always be moments when you want to give up or not do something because you’re tired. But what if, indulge me on this. What if all life was ever asking is that you show up? So, I got ready and headed to a place I had always known but had forgotten what it once meant to me, a place I do still visit from time to time since it’s not too far from the Heights, that place of course being none other than Harlem. It was familiar yet foreign, as I got lost on a side of it I hadn’t explored since I first landed here, I even discovered something new. I also met this fabulous Black playwright who inspired me on such a level that I didn’t know was lacking. As much as I love acting and it’s given me so much, I think first and foremost I am a writer.
This incredible woman said something today that I’ll never forget which was, “If it’s not hateful or offensive, then who is it really hurting? I don’t expect everyone to get what my work is about and not everyone will. I am still learning too.” As my memory is fuzzy to recall some of the other priceless words she had to offer, mostly I just sat in awe as an audience member today. In awe of her words, and the way her stories were so carefully crafted in a way that addressed issues we are facing as a society today, issues such as ageism, racism, immigration, and even gender identity issues. I just sat there and thought to myself wow. This is my WHY! This world needs to be reminded that it’s ok to feel! It’s the artist’s job to remind us of our humanity. Sure art can be offensive but if it is that is when it also encourages you to ask yourself why? I also was also equally impressed with my fellow actors, while they were not off-book (and we’re trained to be off-book) for their reading, I did not find that their scripts took away from their work at all. It turns out one actor was recently on Sesame Street! If you’re wondering if I regret not asking for his autograph or taking a picture with him, the answer is, yes! In my defense, this was an interesting detail I learned about long after the show ended. I’m also kicking myself for not asking him how I get to Sesame Street, this is now up there as my biggest regret in life next to not talking to Steven Spielberg while I was on set filming West Side Story, and the man bumped right into me! Note to self, remember to process this with your therapist this week because not knowing how to get to Sesame Street will no doubt plague you for a foreseeable future.
I had an “art meal”, and witnessed great works that should be on Broadway and not in some basement of a local library even though it was cozy, intimate, and incredibly moving. God bless this woman for making an impact on my life as a Latina. I’m so grateful for the invitation from my dear friend who also happens to be a Black woman I so greatly admire. We shared a meal after her show and conversed about life and the evolution we inevitably take, especially if you’re in therapy.
That being said, I learned something about myself today, and that is the older I get, the more I value authenticity & emotional availability in my relationships. My social circle is becoming a lot smaller too as I get older and I’m ok with that as well. It’s also shifting in a way I never thought it would but I’m also ok with it. There was a moment this evening as I re-visited my old neighborhood, one of my old favorite restaurants too, and well, if I’m being honest it felt like I was really visiting older versions of myself when I realized, I really am growing. Perhaps above all else I am healing and to think it all began when I was living in Harlem. I didn’t live here long before I moved up to the Heights but it was the beginning of my New York chapter. Life is not linear and while I can’t go home to Texas my true beginning, it’s comforting that I can always visit this home and begin again as many times as I need to. That version of me that was fresh to the city, that often questioned whether or not I would make it (and if I’m being honest sometimes I still do), if I could go back and tell that version of me, “Sarita you’ll make it. The right job will find you, the right roles will find you & even if you have to make it happen on your own terms, you’re still doing it!” I’m not always brave, I don’t always have it together, and sometimes I’m still just “winging it” or “giving it the old college try” but still I show up, presente for life!
Life, what can I say, it can be messy, and incredibly complicated, but I think that’s what makes it so beautiful. I think it’s the uniqueness of us all or the parts of ourselves we may not necessarily love that make us exactly who we are. I wish I had taken a class in school that taught me the importance of mental health, and just how important self-love truly is. If we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, how can we do that if we’re still lacking in loving ourselves fully or not looking inward for the answers we seek? There is so much truth to be found, moreover, that’s where our authenticity lies. Need I remind whoever’s reading this from the metaphorical back row that are still not getting it, your neighbors don’t have to look like you, think, believe, or even share the same color of skin as you. Love them anyway. I always think of the words of Mother Teresa when she said, “If you’re always judging people, you have no time to love them.” Friends, I hope you’re also not being too hard on yourselves these days. Life is already hard enough, especially now without adding to it, love and go easy on yourselves. Life goes better when you’re in sync with it and yourselves. Do you ever notice how things just come when you’re relaxed? I will blog about this more soon.
Today was everything I didn’t know I needed, thank goodness I showed up! I yearn for the day when the world will embrace the word “different” and not use it as a word to create chaos and discord, but rather use it as a word to celebrate each other and how beautiful being different actually is. When the world finally embraces this term without fearing it, then perhaps we will truly know peace. As for now, I will never stop fighting for it or speaking out on the injustices of the world, that is who I am. No more shrinking back, or filtering myself because someone can’t handle my truth. This is who I am. Much like Harlem or even NYC itself, it’s loud, it’s unfiltered but mostly it’s honest, and it’s own some kind of wonderful; there’s never one way to fully describe it. It’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, and neither am I, you either take it or leave it!
Thank you God/universe for bringing me here, I see what you did there, well played, very well played. It’s almost Sunday so I’m counting my blessings a little early. <3
