Find the Love
It was December of last year when I committed to a Masterclass overseas in Barcelona Spain. I recall feeling excited and there was something calling me out there but I didn’t know what it was. I knew that it was going to be a time for exploration, but I also didn’t know to what extent. I also knew that perhaps, this would also be a time for me to learn more about my cultural heritage. Growing up along the South Texas border in McAllen, all I have ever known is my Mexican ancestry given that both Mom & Dad are Mexican-American. Mom is 2nd generation and Dad must have been either 4th or 5th. Additionally, my last name is Spanish, as is the case with many Latinos or even Filipinos as we were all colonized by Spain at one point. Still, I remained curious about where I come from.
As 2023 began, I recall attending a vision board party hosted by a dear one I met when I was brand new to New York. I’ll never forget how we bonded over an agent panel weekend where we were attempting to gain representation. I laugh as I look back simply because then I thought I really knew myself as a person and as an artist. I was convinced my branding was as they say in the industry, “on point”. Life as I know it, had other plans and has since re-directed me. For that, I’ll always be utterly grateful. There I was sitting on the floor of her apartment in the Upper East Side when we were invited to think about where we wanted this year to go. A few things came to mind, the first one being love which I put in the center of the vision board, the second being travel, and finally, I just desired to grow as an artist. I perhaps should have been more specific in the growth part as an artist. What I have learned this year so far, is that I am always where I need to be even if I don’t always fully understand it. It seems as though just when I think I have a deeper understanding of God/the universe or whatever higher power one believes in, I find that I’m learning to trust my spiritual guidance in new more profound ways.
So as this month of August began, there I was in my Master Class in Barcelona, Spain when one of my movement teachers said to me find the love. It was that moment when a light bulb or “ah-ha” moment went off. I thought to myself, “I have been feeling & seeing love everywhere I go this year!” I couldn’t help but feel so excited and eager to learn, discover, and most of all explore my craft. My mornings were filled with movement where we were invited to just be, let go, breathe & feel our way through music, text and gain a deeper understanding of our instruments (meaning our bodies). Side note: when does life ever allow us moments to do this? I am learning that I need to be more diligent about just being, surrendering, and allowing. Allowing God/the universe to do its job, lean back and most of all relax. This tends to be a little bit harder for those of us that grew up in survival mode. For the majority of my life, I’ve always had to prepare for the worst-case scenario. Mom did her best and I’m blessed that I have family & siblings that took part in raising me after losing dad, still, I often had to fend for myself growing up. I never minded it, I just thought that’s what children are supposed to do. I thought, “This is a part of growing up, aren’t most children supposed to be taking care of themselves?” I recall this one particular day in movement class, where we had to tap into our full range of emotions. We have to remain fluid to be able to move in and out of them, it is our job after all. Sometimes we can trust emotions but when emotions fail us we have to rely on our imagination or other tools to help us arrive at the truth of the scene. There we all were when it was either Lisa or Janice, one of our two movement teachers said, “Ok, now move into grief and sadness”. Humans, in general, will avoid feeling sad, I know I have been guilty in the past of running away from pain or doing what I could to numb it. For the first time in my life I was running toward feeling it, I got there almost instantaneously. Even now as I type these words, I pictured a graveside, green grass, rain, and black. This was also the first time I didn’t think of my own father’s mortality. In that moment we all came together as an ensemble and moved throughout the room and took care of one another. We cried together and comforted each other during this moment. I remember, one of my fellow artists, just came up to me with open arms and gave me the biggest hug & I just cried on her shoulder. God bless Anne, what a giver. I later learned she is a Virgo like me! As Earth signs, nurturing and taking care of people is just what we do! This was such a beautiful moment. When the time came for me to return the favor the next day, I felt so honored to be able to comfort another artist when she was in her state of turmoil. I didn’t know how much I still needed to release, but also, at that moment I felt so much love. I will never forget this moment for the rest of my life. I love my fellow artists so much! We feel things on a deeper level and it’s our job to remain in touch with humanity, & reflect back to an audience what they need to feel. There is no greater service I can think of. Acting, is perhaps one of the oldest professions in the world & while the world may beat us down or tell us to get a “real job” we know nothing else but to be brave, embrace the circumstances of a scene and truly live and feel in the present moment. It IS a real job. Who does the world turn to in times of trouble for a source of inspiration? The artists. I can’t speak for others, but when I was younger, I recall thinking that I had to “play it safe” or succumb to societal norms. So I ran from being an actor since the entertainment industry like corporate America is quite corrupt. Stand out they say, be bold, but only in the way we’d like you to be. In Hollywood for instance, it appears you’re only cared about long enough for someone to profit off of you. Hence the whole debacle with the current ongoing strike.
I have always known that I’m different. That I’m loud, more importantly, that God gave me a voice for a reason. I don’t know anything differently but to stand up for what I believe in, and to fight for others who may feel inadequate. I know what it’s like to constantly feel beaten down by life, still, I have always chosen to rise. I have experienced great pain, but I have also experienced blissful out of this world love. I remember being younger and always wanting the love to stay or at times I felt fearful that I wasn’t deserving. Or if I felt at any moment the love was going to leave me, I thought I’d be smart and get ahead of it and try to beat it to the punch. That whole sort of, “I leave them before they leave me” mentality. I have since learned this is also called self-sabotage, and it never truly serves anything. While love isn’t always sustainable it’s everywhere. If you look at Shakespeare or other “great works of art” (because art is subjective) writers or artists speak of tragedy, warfare, famine, or even death. However, you also see elements of rebirth, growth, joy unspeakable, but more than anything you see, or feel the love.
Barcelona was everything I didn’t know I needed. From finding a deeper understanding of where I come from as a Latina and resonating with the leisure lifestyle of Spain and Europe as a whole to saying goodbye to pieces of me I needed to let go of, it’s as though I was re-born. Everything about it resonated with me. Not to mention, everyone there looked like me & no one questioned my ethnicity or why I’m “white” for a Latina. It was liberating to feel so seen! Above all, it was an incredible experience and I am so grateful to God that I was able to go through this journey with incredible artists. We walked into the facilities of Barcelona Improv Group last week as strangers but we left as family and they will always hold a special place in my heart, as will Barcelona. I could ramble on for days about that city and Spain itself, it’s absolutely gorgeous. The kindness of the people, I was met with a smile and warmth nearly every single day, with the exception of that one time I almost got kicked out of Park Gruell because I went against the grain. It was not my fault their exit strategy was not sufficient! I recall one of the guards telling me, “You’re not special”. How much I wanted to give him a piece of my mind and say something along the lines of, “And I suppose you are?” “Are you that unhappy with yourself that you have nothing else to say or do but berate someone?” I thought again, “No Ceballos, back off, you don’t want to get arrested overseas”. I still maintain that the security guard is lucky I spared him. That is no way to speak to a woman or human being in general. Besides, it says more about him than me, I am digressing. The way the city just moves and breathes, it’s palpable! I found that my Spanish improved, and it was just rolling out of me by the time I left. I had to remind myself to shift back into my English brain, which I don’t like as much anymore. I found a deeper love for my native tongue and in my humble opinion, everything just sounds better in Spanish! I won’t dive deeper into the food, or else this will turn into a novel vs. somewhat of a short essay. For some strange reason, I can’t imagine why but I seem to constantly crave paella and sangria, weird. Of course, nothing in NYC will compare, but then again it is NYC there is something for everyone.
I left Barcelona in tears. I cried on the plane just like I did when I left NYC after falling in love with the city. It’s as though it’s the Spanish equivalent of NYC and some parts of Brooklyn. Indulge me on this metaphor if you will, but just as the UK is sort of the mother country to the USA, (in my observation). I wondered, is Spain somewhat the mother country of Mexico we know today? Although, Mexico was around before the Spanish invasion in the 1500s. Mi querido Barcelona, como te extraño mas que nunca. Eres una parte de mi alma y nunca te olvidare. I am reminded at this moment that while a part of me may be mourning to some extent, I can still find the love. The memories, the pictures, the bonds I made with my tribe of actors that I was surrounded with. This has to be my favorite thing about travel, the experiences we never knew we needed that somehow add to our beautiful beings.
I also realized on this trip, that I’m allowed to grieve even if it’s been almost 29 years since Dad’s been gone. It means that in spite of all my messiness as a human, I possess a great capacity to love. We all do. It would be easy to shrink back in fear or act out of temporary emotion, which usually our default as humans is anger. Still, I will always advocate for finding the love, no matter how hard it gets. Now perhaps more than ever in today’s crazy world, we must always find the love. Love for ourselves first, and then love for others. As I conclude, I adjourn at 11:11 a.m. EST, exactly where I am meant to be! I am looking forward to celebrating another trip around the sun very soon! What an incredible way to usher in the energy of a new chapter en mi querido Barcelona!
Con tanto amor,
Doctora Sarah
