Vulnerability
As much as I endeavor to blog more regularly, I am also getting better at extending grace to myself. As a writer, sometimes the words flow & sometimes they don’t, and during the in-between moments is usually where I notice reoccurring themes come up that lend themselves to my writing.
I also can’t speak to other writer’s processes either, we’re all different and we all have our niche ways of writing. If you’re like me, maybe writing was your safe haven or maybe it still is. When I had no other way of expressing myself as a child, especially after losing my dad this was all I had, my words, pen & paper. Eventually, online journals came along somewhere after high school & during college. If you’re also like me, you grew up at a time when you weren’t taught how to express your feelings, or at least maybe you weren’t taught how to identify where you’re coming from. Additionally, if you’re also like me in that you grew up in a conservative (value-wise) Christian home, you were always taught to be agreeable & that anger is wrong and being a human with sexual tendencies is wrong. Thoughts on spirituality will be saved for another post, I haven’t quite meditated on them.
For me, while I still very much love acting too because it speaks to the human condition and allows me to play, explore and learn in a way that challenges the status quo, my default is surprise, surprise…writing. I can dictate my words in a way where I feel comfortable, brave, and courageous to feel & identify my truth at that particular moment. As a Virgo, while this is a strength it can also be burdensome especially when the thoughts are too loud & they don’t stop or I catch myself in a loop. God bless the art of meditation that allows me to clear all the unnecessary noise chatter out, in addition to running and of course therapy. Here’s the thing, and maybe I am over-generalizing BUT it feels like being human nowadays is becoming increasingly difficult, finding that courage to show up in the roles we play in our lives. For me, lately, it seems I am finding it difficult even to show up for myself so I CAN be the best version of myself to everyone else around me. That also requires that I be brave with myself or self-aware and acknowledge what my body is telling me or when I need to self-care and recharge. More importantly, it requires that I be brave and set boundaries & honor them. Even setting boundaries in existing relationships can be hard, as I tend to feel guilty. The truth is, if I don’t establish boundaries for myself and keep the opposing side in mind, I am not only doing them a disservice but myself as well; it undermines authenticity. I refuse to walk on eggshells or be a lesser version of myself.
I’m still learning that progress is the goal, not perfection. I am still learning to give myself credit without worrying about appearing selfish. I had a proud moment the other day when I could feel the anxiety creeping in and in that moment I knew immediately I had to ground myself and meditate. Fortunately, I was in a place to do it but it felt good to acknowledge, and have the awareness without judgment versus suppressing or running away from it. It was powerful. I think this is what the experts would call “checking in” or looking “inward” to see what’s going on inside or identify where that emotion or thought is coming from. Who knew that if we reframe our triggers or emotions as warning signs as our body’s way of telling us that we’re nearing empty that it can be a good, possibly a great thing? I certainly didn’t, but I think this is what level 37 may have been about all along. Summer for me, always means a period of reflection, it’s also an indication for me that I will soon complete another trip around the sun. For the first time in my life, I wholeheartedly feel ready for it, ALL of it!
