Unshakable Me
As I was reflecting this entire month as I looked over this last year of my life and I discussed this with my therapist when I said, “I don’t feel like I’ve done anything this year.” She told me that wasn’t true just because I couldn’t see tangible results. I realized at that moment that perhaps this year was a planting year. I am the farmer and perhaps I was planting seeds to raise my next crop or contribute to growth I may not have realized or seen come to pass just yet, which is also how I feel about 2019. I have learned that “planting years” or developmental years if you will are just as important, if not more important than “harvest” years. My entire life has changed, I no longer live in Texas, I live in the East Coast. I don’t even have a place to call my own…yet. Instead, because I do live in New York City, the fact that I have my own room and a pretty spectacular apartment in Wash Heights I share with good humans I feel is an accomplishment. I can celebrate the fact that I didn’t give up when things got incredibly hard and I felt pressure and anxiety at an all-time high from late spring till just about a month ago. I didn’t resort to old habits that no longer serve me and I dealt with ALL of it in a healthy way by going back to therapy. Further, I took on every obstacle head-on when I had nothing to stand on (patchy job situation, move back to TX, is NYC for me) because it’s the only option I had. It would be easy for me to sit here and complain but honestly, there’s no fun in that. I have realized that NYC has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. I stepped SO far out of my comfort zone to chase something so deep within me which is more than most ever do in their entire life. Yes, there’s been setbacks, especially financially. However, I had to also remind myself that I am my own product and the best investment I could ever make or bet on is myself. I also know that God wouldn’t have brought me this far if it wasn’t meant to me to where and who I am supposed to be.
I used to think I got it all wrong or that I had missed my mark. I’m not married, I don’t have a house or any other tangible things society tells me I have to have and by a certain age. If I ever meet this person I’d love to ask them wtf they were thinking because reality and truth are just not built that way. Instead, I now think to myself, no I’m right on time. What I have learned from all of that is, the only way out is through and when I had no one, I had me and my independence, self-confidence grew in more ways than I had never fathomed, so while I don’t have anything tangible to show for it, I have inner peace and love as well as a heavenly father that sustain me no matter how hard this city or life can be. I am still learning to not get ahead of myself or God’s/the universe’s timing, I’m not a master of this but I’m still learning! I am also still learning to practice positive self-talk which I’m much better at this than I used to be. No more dwelling on what I did wrong. No such thing as wrong if I learned from it. Circumstances are always temporary and all throughout the unrest and uncertainty, I lost myself only to find me again but in a whole new unshakable way. I’m grateful for the lessons this past year, the trials that tested me, the tough times that strengthened me and the laughter, love, and friends that carried me. Mostly, I’m grateful for a loving God that never lets me stay the same, that uses every obstacle to my advantage, to grow me and shape me into the best possible version of myself.
I miss my dad, I wish he was here, life as I know and I have never been the same without him. I’m sure it would have been sweeter if he was here but I am finally at a place where I’m ok and at peace with how it and I have turned out. I know he’s smiling down on me today. I used to always wonder if I’ve made him proud, and while I will never get to hear it from him I press on knowing that he is because I’m proud of me. Sometimes I’m lucky enough where we have these fun encounters in my dreams and I get to see him, I thank God SO much for those precious moments. I’m proud of not only what I have accomplished but more importantly, I am proud of the person I am and have yet to become. This life is crazy, it’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. I’ll never know if I’m getting it “right” and I’ve decided I no longer care. I just want to remain present and enjoy it, that is my goal amongst others for this next year. Thirty-three you were awkward but we figured it out and I press forward with my unshakable faith and confidence knowing I CAN handle whatever comes my way; even the things I don’t know, I will come to know and evolve. Besides if I can make it in NYC, I CAN make it anywhere! So long thirty-three, hello thirty-four, it’s going to be AMAZING, I know it and I feel it! I don’t feel “old” on the contrary I feel like I’m just getting started! I guess it really is true what “Carrie Bradshaw” once said, your 20s are for the mistakes and your 30s are for the lessons, and as I press forward that much closer to my 40s (eeek!) I can’t wait to buy the drinks!
