The Calm
As I sip my morning coffee and enjoy my slow morning, I thought to myself, maybe this is it. Maybe, this is how life should be. My anxiety is at bay, I no longer feel sad over things that have come and gone. More importantly, I no longer entertain dark thoughts anymore. That is a profound and bold statement for me to be making. Quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever uttered those words out loud much less typed them, but I’m proud of me. I’m proud of that little kid inside of me that never lets me get too far gone.
I had a moment last night when I came home from the movies (because what else do actors do on their day or days off?) when I just started singing. I was practicing but it gave me SO much joy. In full vulnerability and disclosure I’ve never liked the sound of my own voice, mostly because it felt like I wasn’t allowed to. All stemming from cultural and societal constructs that have always told me that a woman can never be difficult or have an opinion, if she does, she’s dramatic. I can recall, an old acquaintance of mine who once said to me when I was upset over something, that I was having a “Hispanic attack”. WTF. I didn’t stay in touch too long after that, and perhaps they were joking. Still, that’s not something you say to someone of color, and I carried that for a while. It took some time to let it go, but I’ve since learned that how others perceive me is on them. I’m grateful for my gift expression that God gave me.
It’s been quite the journey to come into my own and truly love myself as I expressed in my last blog, but also to love the sound of my voice. To love the sound of it when I sing. So there I was singing in my kitchen, no doubt annoying my neighbors but giving zero f*cks about it. Something inside of me began to dance which then translated to the outside and I felt free. I could feel that inner child in me coming alive and “at one with the universe” or in the words of Abraham Hicks, “in the vortex”. It was beautiful. I wanted to paint (I don’t have tools to do so yet), I wanted to create, I wanted to run, I wanted to do all of the things my heart longs for and while the world is so very topsy turvy and I’m a somewhat disgruntled citizen of my country, I could feel hope begin to rise up inside of me.
I’m typically a glass half full kind of person, or rather at times I’m grateful I even have a cup, however, when I say that last year nearly took me out, I am not exaggerating. To clarify, I mean I was on the brink of burning out. Managing my acting career, or trying to. Promoting my film which I’m so proud to say that its gotten into 20 festivals so far, won six awards AND screened at the same festival where I saw “Los Frikis”, a movie about a band that came about during Castro’s communist reign in Cuba during the AIDS crisis. That film is now screening at AMC Times Square, and I’m so proud of those filmmakers! If you can, I 10/10 HIGHLY recommend going to see it. It’s just such a great piece of art. Where was I? Oh yes, I was teaching six classes all in an effort to get my finances in order, mourning things I had let go of, trying to be a good friend, show up for others but I think in the midst of all that I was not showing up for myself.
Looking back, instead of beating myself up, I am holding grace for last year’s version of me. I was doing what I could to keep it all going, meanwhile I was breaking down inside. The silent battles I fought, the tears I cried alone in my apartment. The emergency sessions with my therapist, she is an angel. It was in those moments God/the universe was getting me ready for what’s to come, and learning how I want to continue to show up and make an impact on this world. To be clear, I’m also not trying to sound like a victim or a martyr either, I’m just speaking to what I was going through. Mostly, last year taught me how to hold myself with the same care I give others. Still, I am grateful. I guess, maybe it is true what “they” say, whoever “they” are, that youth is wasted on the young. How did the years go by so fast? How am I almost 40? It’s such a weird thing to say, since I don’t feel it, and I don’t look it (thanks mom & dad). In all of the things I create or write about, I can only hope it helps someone else out.
While, I don’t know what these next four years hold as a tyrannical two year old resumes office yet again, I am grateful for this moment of calmness and clarity. I no longer feel the need to act out of old wounds, and not that I ever did intentionally, but when you’re out of touch with yourself, you cannot fix or heal what you’re unaware of. Also, it’s one thing to be aware, its a different animal doing the work, and actively trying to change your behavior. I wish we talked about what that process looks like a lot more. Healing is very messy and non-linear. For me, I faced moments where I was scared of regressing, or even bleeding on others. I can never say thank you enough to the folks that have held me so gently, loved, and cared for me during some of the darkest times of my life. They are blessings in human form, and I have learned that’s how life should be. We’re never supposed to go it alone. I used to think that the calm meant that my life was boring or that I was lame or that I wasn’t “living my best life”. I now realize it means, I’m free from drama, bs, and strife that once held me captive, or at least I allowed it to hold me captive then. Mostly, I am feeling more resilient now than before and I know I can handle what’s to come with strength and dignity. Perhaps this is the gift of winter, a chance to pause, rest, and reflect. This year, I am committed to carving out more time for self-care, and I’m not letting anything or anyone disturb my peace.
It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day, ESPECIALLY in NYC. The hustle & bustle which I love, usually requires equal amounts of down time. Additionally, it is the easier choice to keep going while compromising your internal battery. It is the easier choice to stay the same or allow hate, fear, and all of the other less healthy emotions to dictate our lives, but they don’t have to. Anger for instance is a secondary emotion often stemming from something unresolved or neglected. Human beings are meant to connect. We’re supposed to love ourselves first and then each other. I wonder what would happen if we all did our part to heal or become aware of what’s holding us back, what would change? What would our world look like if we took maybe even a small act of bravery, and looked inward? Its a process, but we’re always worth it, simply because we’re human and we exist. Hence the importance of being gentle and patient with ourselves. Even for me, I’m trying to be better about not letting the “noise” of the world dictate my pacing throughout life. I ran a 5K last weekend, and while I was tempted to speed up because others around me were going faster than me, I said to myself, “No Ceballos, do what you can for YOUR body. We can’t have any more injuries.” Besides, It is MY life, and no one else’s. As Demi Moore said recently in her award acceptance speech at the Golden Globes, “You may never feel like you’re enough…but you can put down someone else’s measuring stick”. Friends, we’re always enough even when we don’t feel like it. Circumstances, titles, pay or any of the superfluous things in life don’t dictate who we are. Our character, our heart, and how we treat others does.
I’m wishing everyone everywhere, peace. I can’t begin to fathom what people are going through in Gaza, the Ukraine, or even across the country in LA with the wildfires continuing to spread, and for them I pray. I trust that in time, so long as we do what we can within our control to work towards loving ourselves better, everything else can being to heal. If you have the gift of calm, take a moment to appreciate it and then extend that outward toward the world. Also, find a way to create joy, in my independent study of one, singing at the top of your lungs even if you’re off key helps, but you know whatever works for you. Enjoy the calm!
Love y’all.
