Reflections

What is life if not a mirror to reflect back who we could and can be if we work hard enough, or so I was raised to believe because I am American. I’m not exactly sure what it means to be American anymore, when there are many who seek to keep marginalized communities oppressed and the rich keep getting richer while the poor pay the price, and sadly there is no more middle class.

I was taught that with an education you can do anything in this world. In fact, I went the furthest I could with it because there was a moment in my country’s history where that meant something. To me, I thought it mean that if I obtained the highest level of education then maybe my life wouldn’t be as hard. Otherwise, why the f*ck did my ancestors come here if not for me to have a better life? I feel deceived. Not because of anything they did, they merely did what they knew at the time to give me their offspring a better life. As a woman, and a woman of color (contrary to my pale skin) I still suffer. I asked God why? I am a good person, I have a heart of gold. Am I perfect? No. But pretty close. I used to say that as a joke but now I say it with a sense of pride, not in an egotistical sort of way but as a woman. But then again, God forbid a woman speaks her mind or asserts herself right? I must be difficult or toxic if I am to think for myself and be confident in who God made me to be. Clearly, I’m the problem and you know what? If I am, so be it. I have nothing to prove, nor do I care to. Life certainly “Life-ed” for me early on, I didn’t have a choice in the matter and the things I did out of my own traumatic pain I could blame on my father and really a lot of things, but still I chose to rise above it all. Did it take me a while? Yes, but I got the help. I chose to not stay a prisoner of my pain and suffering. Still, I’m faulted for that? I don’t get it…me owning my truth and standing up for my virtues somehow makes me a menace to society and honestly I am here for it.

I used to think that everything that happened to me would be the bane of my existence BUT my higher self has known for a while that it had to happen for me. Every, SINGLE, thing. In such a way that only the universe could design. I’m convinced that no one gets anywhere without facing any kind of adversity. In fact, that is how resilience is built. I have also known that my purpose in life is much bigger than me and I never fully understood it, still I would pray that God/the universe/metaphysical powers that be would give me the strength to endure and to understand and to show grace. I’d pray for compassion mostly. God of course was like ok Ceballos here you go, I’m going to place you in the MOST difficult of circumstances to see if you can still extend grace when others slay you, betray you even and talk about you. I could feel God/the universe saying back to me, can you STILL be kind? Can you still love even when its hard?

And the answer for me is…YES! Younger me would have been like “mMm I’m not so sure”, but Sarita now, a resounding hell yes! Growing up in the conservative Christian South is a tricky thing. You’re conditioned to never talk back, to smile all the time and suppress your feelings, and never, ever stir the pot. No, that’s just too much. I tried y’all, I did….but that’s never been nor will it ever be me. I was practically born speaking, I’ve always been inquisitive I’ve always wanted to fix the wrongs of the world, and more than anything I’ve just wanted to understand human behavior. Nothing ever made sense to me as a kid. You want me to love others, but only if they believe in God like I do, and love the same God that I do, pray like I do, and worship like I do? If they’re different than me, they must be evil. Atheists are the anti-Christ and you cannot ever associate with them. Tell me I’m wrong & automatically that somehow makes you my enemy. I don’t get it…

We came to America to escape religious persecution while colonizing land that wasn’t ours. Enslaved Black and Brown HUMAN BEINGS of color and treated them like they didn’t matter. Killed Indigenous Natives by giving them smallpox and then stole their land and yet justified it because we were just seeking refuge from our then-mother country of Great Britain. It’s 2024, when will this end? When will we stop using religion to control people and hold them hostage to a small mindset? I mean, what do you truly get out of it at the end of the day? That’s not what Christ or any other religious figure was about. I’m honestly not sure how some people sleep at night. I kill a roach in my apartment and I feel bad about it. To be fair bugs creep me out, but if everything has value and serves a purpose, I really shouldn’t be killing a roach or any kind of bug for that matter, they’re just trying to get through their day too I bet. Although, I haven’t done my research to know if bugs have feelings, but they’re still a living thing.

I could never live with myself if I caused unnecessary harm to someone else. I’m sure I have and I endeavor to make amends, if I’m allowed to. Still I wonder, will we ever get it right? I know change takes time and at the same time I feel as though I don’t have time left. It angers me, because none of this is right, or just. What is justice? It certainly is a fleeting concept, especially in this country. I will never stop asking the difficult questions, I will never stop trying to help heal humanity by doing my part. I will never stop loving because it’s all we have. I care too much, perhaps more than I should but life is too short to constantly be at war with ourselves and others. I know this isn’t anything new, but when will we ever learn as a global civilization? Haven’t we all been through enough, and we still can’t figure it out. I’m all for self-love, and “doing me” but not at the expect of hurting someone else in the process. We MUST do better for not only ourselves but each other, our humanity is very much on the brink of self destruction and at some point our planet very may well die off too if we don’t care of it and for what? Is capitalism and maximizing profits over people really worth it? DO BETTER America. Newsflash: Leadership is NOT about you, positions of power are never about you. They are about who you serve, not for your own selfish gain. There are enough resources to go around, more rights for people does not mean less rights for you, that’s not how this works. At this point, all I can do is