Living Life to the Fullest
I used to think that living life to the fullest meant that I purposely had to be doing something big or constantly straddling that fine line of “going out” or going on vacation and then posting about it on social media, look how cool I am (grant it this was in the early 2000s when social media first came out). Naturally, I quickly realized that perhaps the whole world doesn’t need to know what I’m up to, nor does anyone really. I was giving away parts of me that I should have kept for myself. Allowing the wrong people in or being afraid to let some go because I thought it would mean that I’m lonely, or that I’m boring because I’m not constantly “out” and “about”.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a lot older now or the fact that I’ve been in therapy for nearly five years now (maybe longer) that I finally realized that living life to the fullest really just means that you’re present, that you’re showing up for life. And honestly? I love being by myself, it’s the best!
We all have those days where, its like “sh*t that wasn’t what I wanted” or “that’s not how I expected it to go” and it’s normal, we’re all human but what if we could flip our mindset and shift over to, well at least I showed up. What is one thing I could take away from this situation? Or where am I being invited to grow? I’m also not saying we have to over-analyze every single detail of our lives but maybe we need to recognize that “living life to its fullest” by constantly feeling like we have to do big things isn’t sustainable. There’s a time for going big absolutely, but there’s also a time to pause, reflect, or even to recharge.
I was supposed to go out of town when I initially wrote this because work has been stressful on top of health challenges that have come up for me, so I thought getting out of dodge would be the answer just so I could have a moment to breathe. Then as life often does, it threw me a zinger, otherwise known as severe seasonal allergies, not only twice this season but thrice, wtf! I thought to myself I could go on this trip and suffer and not really enjoy myself or I can cancel, cut my losses stay home and rest. It turns out what I really needed was just time with myself, doing whatever I wanted to do, and rest. This weekend was not at all how I expected it to go but it was everything I needed. I realized today that God/the universe really does have us where we’re supposed to be.
I’m still sick with my allergies at present moment but I’m still showing up for life and I couldn’t be happier. I like that my neck of the NYC “woods” (I can’t even type woods without laughing because it is the concrete jungle) is not like the rest of the city, it’s still very much considered “El Barrio” and while it is undergoing gentrification & has been even before I got here, I appreciate that it has its own character and within my neighborhood, it’s also very diverse. The funny business about living here is that New Yorkers often define “New York” by the quality of their neighborhood or the 5-10 block radius they call home & it hit me today that “New York” for me very much feels like a small town. I love walking into my local shops and restaurants they know me by name. Just the other day, I was walking home from lunch when it hit me, I really do have it all. A city that offers me everything I could ever possibly want or need plus my little uptown oasis.
Do I own my own home? No. Am I paying way too much for my studio? Probably. However, I’m living life on my terms, chasing my dreams, and doing the Lord’s work (mind you underpaid work) but still I’m making a difference in the lives of my students which is something I’ve always wanted to do & while they drive me crazy just today I had a moment while I was grading that I thought to myself, “wow! these students are so talented & crazy smart, I’m glad they didn’t give up.” I’m blessed in that, a lot of them have been vulnerable with me lately and when I thought I had it rough growing up without a paternal figure for the majority of my life, I read how some were on the brink of death and yet here they are still giving life a whirl. I couldn’t be more inspired!
That’s how living life to the fullest is done! Refusing to give up no matter how hard this world tries to beat you down, the willingness to look inward and heal your own trauma, and the courage to fearlessly live your life being the you that you love. It’s in the small moments of showing kindness to strangers even if it’s holding a door open or offering a smile. More than anything, I think living life to the fullest is appreciating what you do have while not taking it for granted. Life’s a journey and I have learned that the best things that have happened to me are when I have surrendered lived, stayed present, and just let life do its thing.
I thank God every day for the arts that taught me it's okay to be human and to live with your heart wide open! Does it mean that I could potentially get hurt or stumble and fall? Yes. But then again, there’s no fun or learning in playing it safe. Growth does not come from comfort zones. I know it sounds like a cliche but FDR was right, “The only thing we really have to fear is fear itself.” What truly is the worst thing that could happen? You fail, ok. That means you’re learning! It also means that you’re trying! Maybe it’s just me, but I personally would rather look back on my life and have made a thousand plus mistakes, than look back and never even attempt anything new. Maybe it’s also a Virgo thing, who knows but I constantly strive to be better than I have been before. Plus, I tend to get bored very easily.
We’ve been given a gift, which is why it’s called the present! We might as well enjoy it, we’ll never get it back. The great thing about the past is that it stays there, and thank God we have SO much more to look forward to, the best is still yet to come! Besides how can we ever get there if we stay focused on what did or did not work out, that only delays things and wastes energy on unnecessary things.
I didn’t sleep well last night because on the one hand, my coughing kept me up (dry coughs are the worst, so painful!) but on the other, I was just thinking about life and how excited I am about it. In spite of how bad it is out there, I also don’t believe in giving up on it.
