New Year, Same Me
Welp! 2023, I made it! Not that I had any doubts but last year, I remember it like it was almost yesterday…and it was perhaps one of the more difficult years of my life, probably since my dad died. It seemed like life kept dealing me one blow after another with loved ones dying, a family member of mine got diagnosed with cancer (again), and given my childhood trauma of losing a parent my mind shifted to the worst possible scenario. I’m happy to report they’re completely ok! They caught it early, removed it, and thankfully it did not spread and no chemo or any other kind of treatment was needed. I’m reminded of moments when God/the universe shows up for us and lets us know how much we are loved and supported during times like these.
I realized during this incredibly traumatic time in the first part of last year, something new was coming forth and that was a stronger, more resilient version of me. If you’ve spent most of your life in survival mode (and I have) it is hard to keep going and not resort back to old patterns or mechanisms that no longer serve you. I must confess that I’m proud of how I responded. I didn’t really numb the pain like I used to. Did I distract myself? Yes, but only long enough to come back to what I was feeling and not suppress it. I’m grateful for my rock-steady support system, therapy, meditation, journaling, and my faith that saw me through all of that.
I still have moments where I have cognitive thought distortions but I am getting better about stopping them in their tracks and asking myself what is the truth or my truth in this moment? Can I really trust how I’m seeing myself right now or my interpretation of this situation? Again, as someone recovering from living in survival mode, I realized it’s important to me to extend grace to myself and the relationships in my life that allow me to talk through things. That is a boundary I have created. I learned last year that boundaries are there so we don’t self-sacrifice, or hurt others but more importantly so we don’t burn out because that’s no fun or good for anyone.
When I surrendered to the process or what happened to be going on in my life and sat with my feelings, cried, or did whatever I needed to do the tide of my battles started to turn. There is power in recognizing what you can and what you cannot control. I also got radically intentional about living my life, more than I already do. I’m sure none of this is new to anyone who’s been in therapy for years or began their healing journey a while ago just as I did, but making changes is hard. Establishing boundaries is hard because if you grew up as a people pleaser or a “good girl” as I did especially being from the South you were taught to not disappoint. The truth is not only are we only hurting ourselves but also we are disappointing others even more if we’re not bringing our best selves to the table. If we’re not taking the time to self-care or recharge we are then left more vulnerable and jeopardizing every aspect of our health. We are just as important as the people in our lives and we deserve to put ourselves on our own pedestal.
I also walked away from situations where if what I was giving out wasn’t being reciprocated on a minimum level such as mutual texting, mutual plan setting, or even a mutual give and take because I value my worth more than one-sided relationships. Additionally, its certainly not fair to be the only person keeping any kind of relationship afloat.
I’m no longer ashamed of past versions of myself, I had to entertain each and every single level or version to get to where and who I am today and 2022 taught me to embrace that as well as change. 2022 also ushered in that ROI on my Ph.D. investment and it was the right job that provides me with the flexibility and the support from higher-ups I’ve always wanted. I started my own production company and so many other beautiful things also came out of 2022 that mostly I’m just glad I stayed present.
What does 2023 look like? Saying more “yes” to things that inspire me or light me up inside because the universe responds to the energy we give off. I’m saying yes to healthy, positive, reciprocal relationships. I’m saying yes to romance to find me. I’m saying yes to no longer chasing people, or forcing things. I’m saying yes to relaxing more and adding even more fun to my life. I’m saying yes to just living! Besides how boring would life be if I got to the end and my tombstone read, “Here lies Dr. Sarita…played it safe in life.” Ewww. No, me gusta! Besides, perfection is not the goal, progress is. I don’t ever want to suffer from destination disease where I’m constantly chasing the next thing. There is plenty of life to be lived during the in-between moments too! Mostly, I’m saying yes to the surprises of life knowing I CAN and will get through anything that comes my way, this is my power.
I always said, ok borrowing from David Bowie, “No matter what I do, I can promise you it won’t be boring”, I only have this one life and I intend on living ALL of it out wholeheartedly.
