I think I'm a New Yorker?
I was browsing through old blog entries as well as memories that had popped up on Facebook when as of one year ago, I permanently made NYC home.
Lately, the weather here has been amazing! Low humidity which if you’ve ever been in the city during the summer (if you live in a place with high humidity) you can understand what a luxury this is. I was walking around midtown closer to Columbus Circle when I had to stop myself and ask, is this real? Did I actually make it happen? Sometimes I think I’m dreaming or that I’ll look back on my life one day, wake up and realize this never happened.
When I think about New York, I think of home. Texas will always be the place that raised me and grew me up. I would be nothing without my home state, however, this city courses through my veins now, I don’t know if I can ever bring myself to leave. Up until I went home recently in my previous blogs I was questioning my purpose not only here in this city but also as an actor. Had I made the right move or did I make a huge mistake? Here I am a few dollars in the whole, ok several and on the outside it looked like I had it all together, the truth is I was riding the struggle bus, I still am. I didn’t know if the ride would end. I thought to myself maybe I needed to go home, for one to re-charge but also consider moving back. I realized that perhaps my perspective needed to change and I wasn’t sure what would help me shift my mindset.
At first, arriving back in Texas week before last it felt familiar but also foreign. I love Austin very much but I couldn’t recognize much of I-35, mainly because of construction but I remember feeling lost. Eventually, the barrings came back and I was fine. This place was the place I had spent much of my early 20s in and several trips back and forth to the ATX for auditions were made. I honestly thought, ok this is where I need to be. Sometimes I still do, however, Austin will always be there. As my time at home progressed I began to miss the city, the trains and after a day of driving, I missed walking. I had consumed so much hearty goodness like tacos, chips, and guac that I felt I had gained 10 lbs. Paddleboarding on Lady Bird Lake is always worth it and that was one of the reasons I wanted to go home. Before I knew it, it was time to drive to Houston and well it felt like I never left. Suddenly, I was driving by Katy Mills (and it should be noted that I did recall how to find the Kate Spade outlet and I only bought a phone case, which I later lost my phone. I resisted the temptation to buy a backpack that is cuter than the one I currently own. I must be growing up). Then onto Houston proper, it was. It was great to see all my old gal pals including my old acting coach who inspired me so much to be brave and come out to New York City in the first place.
For the longest, I always thought I would end up in Los Angeles, after all, it is the heart of the film industry. Like many others, I too was surprised I came to the city. The truth is, my heart has always dreamed of living here. I imagine that I’m this fabulous blogger or writer, similar to “Carrie Bradshaw” except less Manolo Blahnik, Cosmos and I don’t have a “Mr. Big”. Although there are the occasional Rose, impromptu meetups with friends and other shenanigans that conspire. Instead, I envisioned writing about real life and things that matter or at least to me. I recall really wanting to major in journalism but I didn’t make it back to UT Austin and my undergrad alma mater UTSA didn’t offer it. Also when I was younger, I always picture owning a brownstone with lovely windows in the front, and perhaps a little garden or plants & flowers to greet you as you arrive. I pictured they would say hello and offer a warm welcome. Now that I do live here, while I don’t own a brownstone, I still dream of it and for now, strolls in the Upper West suffice.
There is something so magical about this month. I’m surprisingly not focused on the fact that soon I will have completed yet another trip around the moon (very much younger me would have planned six months in advance lol), but rather this August, this time in my life is completely wonderful. It’s everything I always pictured as a little girl. The snow isn’t always desirable and it’s beautiful as it falls but then afterward not so much. You would think that being from Texas I could weather the summers here and yet it’s still a struggle especially as the subways turn into a sauna. As one season winds down and fall lurks around the corner, I count my blessings and of course, thank God for bringing me here.
What I have learned from all of this is that, no matter what happens, good or bad it’s a must that I make the best and most of my time here. I remain open to whatever God has in store and right now there is nowhere else I’d rather be, I am complete or at least as much as to be expected. There is still so much to learn and discover, I can’t wait!
I promise myself to remain present and enjoy the now, there’s no more looking back, wondering why or what if. Only living. That being said, I’m sure to many underneath the Bethesda Terrace is just a regular day but yesterday I was beside myself, and at that moment I fell in love with New York all over again. This place is completely breathtaking at least for me and I just stood in awe.
