GRATEFUL IN QUARANTINE
It’s been almost a month since quarantine has taken over and here’s what I’ve learned, you can’t get through it without calling people. I haven’t decided fully if I like Zoom or not but I’m also kicking myself for not having invested in the company when I perhaps should have but then again, I actually trusted someone to manage my stocks for me, & then they let me use them for shopping. I should have fired them then. All jokes aside, I’m learning that there’s no more shoulda, woulda, coulda, there’s only figuring out what to do to improve myself and figure out my next move. I mean, I have the time.
I would be lying if I said that I haven’t had my dances with anxiety, I would also be lying if I said I didn’t cry. Tears mostly because I think about all those that are hurting or have lost loved ones and it breaks my heart. I can’t think about what would happen to my family and people I care about, or I lose it. Instead, I try to stay on the sunny side of the street. It’s the harder decision, but it’s one I’ll choose until this thing is over. I can’t say that I’ve gotten depressed which is a good thing, yay me. Instead, I have focused on my students, to some extent my writings and my acting. I have also been utilizing the beauty of FaceTime to chat with my therapist to help process everything.
More than anything I have realized how resilient I actually am. I’m not sure when it happened or how I got here but I am proud of me. I remember I was talking to my therapist when she said what would you say to a brand new to New York Sarah? I began to laugh and it was in that moment that I recalled moments where my biggest worry was how I was getting home for the day because I planned to get lost. How much I used to rely on Uber and avoid learning the subway because if it wasn’t off of the 1 train I wouldn’t go. The thought of transferring trains or even taking multiple lines to get where I wanted was mind-boggling just only two years ago. I’m growing up so fast!
It is quite possible that if I hadn’t come to New York, I don’t know that I would have become the person I am today. The moments I always wanted to run home and cry, throw in the towel and just give up on my dreams. Funny business pursuing your heart’s desire and how much of a struggle it truly is. The sleepless nights, not knowing how rent is going to be paid, am I going to be homeless next month and will my debt ever get paid off? Am I supposed to be married or become a homeowner? Which the thought of those two things almost makes me want to cry because for me it would mean that life as I know it would be over. I exaggerate but I do feel that a part of me would feel dead inside. Nothing is wrong with the construct of marriage either it’s just for me I have a lot of living to do, and there are many ways I want to live my life. If I find a man that’s on board with that & if there’s a baby somewhere along the way, well that’s just peachy keen too. I pray to God daily to direct my steps and when the moment does come for me to find someone and “settle down” I pray that my future husband never try to control me and more importantly, respect me and love me for me, like all of me (not to sound all John Legend or anything).
New York aside, during quarantine I’ve thought a lot about dad, what would he say to me during this time. I found myself days before his birthday which wasn’t too long ago (March 29) wanting to call him up and cry and just let it all out. My fears, my secrets that I could never bring myself to tell my mom. My dad was just everything to me and I can recall mostly not how I lost him but how we had SO much fun together. It was always just dad and me when mom was away at mortuary school. Oh yeah, side note, I come from a long line of morticians. I wrestle with taking over the family business someday, and I have used losing dad as an excuse not to but I am at a place where if I have to, I have to. I’m open to it. Years ago, I never would have even fathomed that thought. Mostly because I was still healing and hurting inside for a LONG time. I was still that nine-year-old angry & confused never really did I take the time to understand fully what it meant to lose a parent. Why didn’t he listen to mom? Why didn’t he eat better and why oh why was he so damn stubborn? Sometimes I still wonder where I get my stubbornness from, it’s a mystery. Riddle me this though, if it wasn’t for dad & all the things I went through would I be the Sarah I am today? Probably not.
That being said, if it wasn’t for this quarantine would I be able to focus on me? For once I don’t feel guilty for saying that, but rather I am grateful for this gift of self-care and the ability to sit here before you today with my fingers pressed away on the black keys of my laptop, healthy and whole. Praise the Lord.
I have to wonder, if it wasn’t for life’s most difficult moments would I ever grow? That’s when I remembered, sometimes God allows for things to happen to shape us & change us. Yes, certain things happen beyond our control such as this pandemic but on the flip side of this, we’re also more than equipped to handle it mentally & emotionally speaking. I surprisingly haven’t found myself wanting to change the situation too much because I recognize it’s beyond my control but the situation, however, is changing me. In spite of everything, I am happy. I am grateful. I am healthy, I have food in my refrigerator, coffee (life’s most important companion), clean water, TOILET PAPER, soap, gloves, and a fabric mask, my sense of humor remains intact. I have wonderful people in my life, healthy relationships & a loving family. Above all else, I have my faith in God above. If I find myself feeling homesick for tacos, there IS a great Mexican restaurant I can order from! I mean, right now I kind of do have it all.
Unfortunately, there are some that cannot say the same and this vicious virus has taken the lives of many. It breaks my heart knowing that so many are hurting and there isn’t much I can do to help but pray. I pray that God comforts the mourning. I pray for small business, I pray for our global economy and most of all I pray for restoration. I pray that God continues to watch over our healthcare workers, essential workers, the delivery folks, may they all STAY safe & healthy! Most of all I pray that “we” do not take this moment for granted. This is a time wherein the midst of all the “darkness” that surrounds us, it’s only a matter of time when the light will come bursting through and we’ll be better off than we were before. I believe it, I know it, and I feel it in my bones!
I am choosing to see the bright side of all this. It’s not an easy choice to make daily but I will always choose peace, happiness and love over everything. It’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong but the real test of our character comes when we focus on what we do have and be grateful for it.
My prayer for you, dear friend is that God will surround you with His peace that surpasses all understanding. May your anxiety ease up, may you get a full night’s rest and continue to press forward one day at a time with strength and determination to overcome this! COVID-19 CANNOT kill our spirit! As long as we continue to have hope through all of this, we have everything we need to make it! And friends, can I tell you, every time I thought that life or the enemy was going to end me, my story continued, which equates to victory and this will too.
