Girl in the Movies — Sarah Ceballos

It’s Sunday night and I’ve been reflecting as I often do, perhaps too much and Dolly is playing. Has that ever happened to you? When a song just hits your soul? I mean it feels like a gut-punching jab to the soul in the best way? I can’t help but laugh because these words Dolly wrote and what this song is about is often how I pictured my life in a sense. My actual narrative is a different one…

I remember being that 3-year old that told my mom I was going to marry a rich Christian who would love me for me and she would do all the cooking and cleaning and my grandma would take care of the kids and I would just stay at home looking pretty and wait for my husband to come home. Yes, friends, this is a true story and I can’t lie to save my teeth, I really said this at three years old. How silly I was then. How is at 3 I was so bold to just say what I felt and no one told me to put a filter on it or said: “oh she’s just being an over-dramatic Latina.” How is it that I’ve somehow managed to lose my boldness in a way? Also, how limited my picture was at 3? I remember I always wanted to be Kimberly Williams in Father of the Bride with the perfect wedding. I have no doubt my dad would have been the Mexican version of “George Banks” if life had turned out this way or if he was still with me.

My boldness, in fact, is what I’m told is my strongest asset. Yet there are areas of me I wish I could just run away from. Parts of me I’m not proud of, the ugly, the nasty, the “did I really just think that?”, the “can I really do this?” Am I going to be rejected? Which that doesn’t really bother me, I’d much rather be alone than in a crowd with a bunch of phonies. This journey I set out for myself is not at all how I pictured. I’m not the girl in the movies.

Instead, I’m the girl that lost her dad at nine years old. I’m the girl that kept going when I had no choice. Did her best to run away from emotions she didn’t really learn to process until later in life. I’m the girl that thought “living it up” seemed so much easier than really trying to deal with the pain. I’m the girl that stayed in the relationship a lot longer than she should have & got screwed over by her best friend who thought it would be ok to not only date my ex-boyfriend without asking or even telling me but later went on to marry him. I’m the girl that had her heart completely ripped out of her chest and you know what? I survived. I’m also the girl that starved herself in 8th grade to be thin, was a bit depressed and had thoughts of ending it all. I’m the girl that knows God and my faith at times was my only saving grace.

Life went on and so did my education. I’m the girl that they always thought would quit. The one they underestimated. I’m the girl that was always not thin, but not fat, just “thick”. The one that developed way too early than a child should, that boys made fun of. I was never the “pretty” one or the one that always got the guy and the happily ever after. The one that couldn’t quite find jeans that fit right with big hips. I never had the “girl gang” or was popular in school.

I’m not the “Girl in the Movies”, I may never have that movie picture life. Instead, I’m the girl living out her dreams in New York City. It’s not easy, it’s incredibly hard and I fail perhaps more than I succeed, but I am the girl that refuses to quit no matter how hard it gets. At least if I do ever make it on the silver screen, I will be a real girl in the movies, with the not so picture-perfect life but a truthful one.It’s Sunday night and I’ve been reflecting as I often do, perhaps too much and Dolly is playing. Has that ever happened to you? When a song just hits your soul? I mean it feels like a gut-punching jab to the soul in the best way? I can’t help but laugh because these words Dolly wrote and what this song is about is often how I pictured my life in a sense. My actual narrative is a different one…

I remember being that 3-year old that told my mom I was going to marry a rich Christian who would love me for me and she would do all the cooking and cleaning and my grandma would take care of the kids and I would just stay at home looking pretty and wait for my husband to come home. Yes, friends, this is a true story and I can’t lie to save my teeth, I really said this at three years old. How silly I was then. How is at 3 I was so bold to just say what I felt and no one told me to put a filter on it or said: “oh she’s just being an over-dramatic Latina.” How is it that I’ve somehow managed to lose my boldness in a way? Also, how limited my picture was at 3? I remember I always wanted to be Kimberly Williams in Father of the Bride with the perfect wedding. I have no doubt my dad would have been the Mexican version of “George Banks” if life had turned out this way or if he was still with me.

My boldness, in fact, is what I’m told is my strongest asset. Yet there are areas of me I wish I could just run away from. Parts of me I’m not proud of, the ugly, the nasty, the “did I really just think that?”, the “can I really do this?” Am I going to be rejected? Which that doesn’t really bother me, I’d much rather be alone than in a crowd with a bunch of phonies. This journey I set out for myself is not at all how I pictured. I’m not the girl in the movies.

Instead, I’m the girl that lost her dad at nine years old. I’m the girl that kept going when I had no choice. Did her best to run away from emotions she didn’t really learn to process until later in life. I’m the girl that thought “living it up” seemed so much easier than really trying to deal with the pain. I’m the girl that stayed in the relationship a lot longer than she should have & got screwed over by her best friend who thought it would be ok to not only date my ex-boyfriend without asking or even telling me but later went on to marry him. I’m the girl that had her heart completely ripped out of her chest and you know what? I survived. I’m also the girl that starved herself in 8th grade to be thin, was a bit depressed and had thoughts of ending it all. I’m the girl that knows God and my faith at times was my only saving grace.

Life went on and so did my education. I’m the girl that they always thought would quit. The one they underestimated. I’m the girl that was always not thin, but not fat, just “thick”. The one that developed way too early than a child should, that boys made fun of. I was never the “pretty” one or the one that always got the guy and the happily ever after. The one that couldn’t quite find jeans that fit right with big hips. I never had the “girl gang” or was popular in school.

I’m not the “Girl in the Movies”, I may never have that movie picture life. Instead, I’m the girl living out her dreams in New York City. It’s not easy, it’s incredibly hard and I fail perhaps more than I succeed, but I am the girl that refuses to quit no matter how hard it gets. At least if I do ever make it on the silver screen, I will be a real girl in the movies, with the not so picture-perfect life but a truthful one.