I love NY — Sarah Ceballos

Life is something isn’t it? How it’s always guiding you whether you realize it or not. Should you choose to listen, and if you do listen are you really hearing the music. I get it now, I get it on a whole other level. I don’t know if New York was always my destiny, it sure looks like it. Where would I be without it? I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would have been like still back home in Texas. Closer to mom for sure and I hate being so far away from her, but she really is only a plane ride away, although lately it seems life is making it harder to get back home for a visit. I can recall reading the words of Kelly Cutrone in her book, “If You Have to Cry Take it Outside” when she said, “If you let it, New York City really does raise you in the best way possible”.

I’ll never forget when I arrived at La Guardia, crazy that I can actually say, “Well, I remember when it was garbarge” like most New Yorkers do. Maybe I’m one of them now? I don’t know but I remember getting to baggage claim and I ran into a dear friend from college! What are the fucking chances? I love Texas, but not everyone always has that desire to explore life outside of all they have ever known. I get it, there’s absolutely wrong with that. I thought I would always play it safe behind the scenes, it was cozy there. Is it God? Is it the energy that moves the universe? Or maybe its that je ne sais quoi thats in the air here?

Is it really just a New York City exclusive? I don’t know, but I do know that I am always where I need to be when I’m here. If I just slow it down maybe a half step and maybe not walk as fast as other New Yorkers (but not too slow because I will get runned over), I can hear better. I can see the signs, I can hear God. That’s usually where I stumble across the people that I didn’t know that I needed. The people that have helped me become who I am today.

I was thinking about my legacy lately as one of my all time favorite actors from my childhood passed away recently. You might know him? He was a dear f-r-i-e-n-d, when I started to wonder about how I wanted to be remembered? Will those who I’m sure I hurt out of my trauma from losing my father, or things I did in survival mode forgive me? I hope they do, not for my sake but for theirs. I don’t know that anger over something I did unknowingly is worth it. For what it’s worth, I am truly sorry. I wish I had enough sense then to see it from your perspective, I do now.

There I was having some wine with a dear friend last night talking about life, and what it all means in the grand scheme of things and where or who we would be without New York, had we chosen to stay in places that no longer serve us? How our actor community is pretty great when it hit me New York has given me everything I didn’t know that I needed. I have never felt this loved in my whole life, and mostly just the love I have for myself. The city has chewed me up and spit me back out better than I was before, or so I’d like to believe. “Better” is still up for debate, lol. Jokes aside, tonight I was present. I wasn’t worried about work, or auditions. I wasn’t worried about my film officially hitting the festival circuit and making it’s NYC premiere, I was living. I was living every bit of life tonight as the city would want me to. I also decided that girlfriend time was how I would treat myself. That too was something I didn’t know I needed. God bless the dear friends that are good for your soul.

And that’s when it hit me, I have everything little Sarita navigating grief on her own, could have ever dreamt about. Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d go onto accomplish everything I have set my mind to. I know manifestation is big right now, but I think younger me often worried, in fact I know I often wondered would I get it “right”? What does right even mean nowadays? It changes. In spite of how ugly the world is right now, I am grateful to God that I have this opportunity or that I live in New York where I can be a complete mess, (and I’m sure you can in other places) and its ok. In fact, I’m convinced that if you’re not a mess at some point in your New York life, then you’re really not doing it “right”. It’s ok to not be ok here, you don’t have to pretend. Its ok to ask for help here, New Yorkers WILL help you. They’re incredibly kind, and you may never see that stranger again, or you might but we will help. We’re also always carrying a lot, I mean life here is hard. Life in general nowadays is hard, so if we are short with you it’s nothing personal, it’s just we are trying to hustle out here, especially those of us chasing dreams. Survival mode is also not sustainable, that’s why we all have therapists, god bless them. We also have to be intentional about “down time”, which we do take any chance we get. We do cry, even on the subway, its a rite of passage & thankfully people let you have your moment uninterrupted. If you don’t cry on the subway, can you even call yourself a New Yorker? At the end of the day, we don’t have that much time to be sad all the time, we HAVE to keep it moving.

That’s what makes New York City so great, it never stops. While sometimes it really annoys me and it’s just like “shush!” for one second, I would never want it any other way. It’s New York! That’s when I know I need to either go to Central Park, venture to Vermont if I can swing it, or find nature elsewhere to gain balance. Or maybe I schedule some self-care time, which can include a chat with my therapist or a good run. Is it any wonder why a lot of us are runners? I can’t even believe I’m a runner now, who am I? I was always bad at it. I’m still not great, but I’m better than I was. I succumbed! I don’t know if that makes me more of a New Yorker, but I do understand why so many of us run.

That silly little “I <3 NY” logo is hitting on another level. Where else can you be you? The you, you love at any particular given moment? What other city would tolerate my loud/outspoken/honest self and still find me endearing, and not at all offensive? For one, I’m not nor will I ever be a malicious person, it was one thing when I acted out of trauma, but I am not that person anymore. But I NEVER have to filter anything, it’s liberating! Nowhere but New York! I <3 NY as in I think it’s the one, and I think I might just want to put a ring on it.

Let’s see in another five years, we’ll make it official on my tin-aversary, when I become an actual “New Yorker”, or maybe I’ll just wait for my person whoever he is to put a ring on it? I don’t need a person to make me happy though, I am enough, and I have the city. I just hope whoever he is can keep up with me. I guess Candance Bushnell was right when she wrote, “Maybe some women were never meant to be tamed, maybe we’re supposed to run free until we find someone just as wild as to run with.” I’ll always be grateful that I chose to stay here. Life in NYC can be so unpredictable and yet, I’ve managed to stay in the exact same place. I used to think I knew me, but I now know that I am becoming me, maybe more me than I’ve ever been and I will always <3 NY for that.